My Thoughts About My Thoughts

You guys all know how there's always that one kid in class that's the "problem child"? They're always interrupting class for dumb reasons, or they'll get mad at the teacher for no reason. Well... That used to be me.

In elementary school I absolutely dreaded doing creative writing. I didn't know why, but I could never come up with an idea to write about since there weren't really any instructions minus the genre it had to be. I would start to cry anytime we had to do creative writing. Then, I would end up having to stay in at recess because I didn't turn it in on time because I spent the first two days of the assignment crying.

I also used to think (and still do) that google definitions of words are really confusing. So, I would see a word in my reading, or want to use it in my writing and ask my third grade teacher what it meant.

He would usually tell me a really simple definition, but one day, he didn't really know what I wanted. He tried to get me to look up what it meant, but I just couldn't explain that I still didn't understand. He looked in up and the smart board, and since I was upset that I couldn't understand the word, but I couldn't voice it... I yelled at him. I yelled "That's not what I mean!" And cried. I had to go out into the hallway so that he could talk to me about why I shouldn't have yelled at him.

I think about that a lot. I remember just genuinely struggling and not knowing how to word it. All the other kids seemed to understand, but I just... Couldn't.

Somehow, in 5th grade, it clicked. It might have been because we had a lot more structured writing. Essays, writing prompts, etc. There were actual rules. I started getting really good at writing, and all of my classes for that matter. My teachers were constantly complementing me on my work. I got into the spelling bee in 7th grade. I was in the talent show 6th and 7th grade. But... I kept thinking about elementary school.

I look at my brother now. He's the classic example of "the problem child." The thing is, he acts exactly how I did in elementary. The exact same things. He doesn't pay attention in class, and he accidentally interrupts even if he doesn't realize that he is. The thing is, my brother was diagnosed with ADHD a few years back. I honestly think that I do to. I also think that I have autism. I've been doing research and listening to other neurodivergent people (not just ones with autism and ADHD) talk about their experiences. And I also know that AFAB people are usually misdiagnosed or diagnosed later in life. I don't know, just my thoughts about the whole thing.

-Saturn 🌌