Tormented by our Futures (Part 1)

Chapter 3

Hopefully, I won't shut down completely. I don't want to sit in a dark room for the rest of my life. Right now, I would love to never move again and seize up in some weird chair, wasting away, but not forever. And I feel that if I started now, I wouldn't stop.

I can only hope no one gets hurt or dies because of me while I grieve.

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No one ever tells you how to deal with trauma; you won't find anything on coping in any book you read. And anyone you ask will tell you to look after yourself because 'you're doing so well' It's a load of bollocks if you ask me. And people expect everything to move and work as it did. They expect the person who's gone through it all to have not changed, not even a little bit.

Well, at least that's how Ginny felt. She couldn't cope with me. After watching dozens of people I care about die, after seeing Hogwarts -the only real home I've ever had- crumble right before my eyes after suffering through all three unforgivable curses. After all I've been through, Ginny can't stand and watch me struggle through the aftermath. She says she's got problems of her own and doesn't have time for my moping. I guess your own problems don't mean anything once you've saved everyone.

It's been just over three months since I defeated Voldemort. I left the scene at Hogwarts not long after it was all over and returned to the Burrow with the rest of the Weasleys; it was early morning by that time. It took a whole two hours before reporters from the Daily Prophet started showing up at the Weasley's front door looking for 'Their saviour' and any sort of statement from anyone about the events that occurred at Hogwarts. Molly hid me well as soon as she saw them, knowing I was too exhausted to deal with them.

A day later, the new Interim Minister of Magic -a tall, beefy man named Reginald Formby- asked me to witness the trials of some of Voldemort's followers. Both Molly and Arthur told me that I didn't have to do anything if I didn't want to. I told him I would, but I needed at least a month to rest and recover.

He gave me two and a half months -the nicest thing anyone has done for me all year.

I've been to countless trials over the past few weeks. I've been constantly coming and going, in and out of the Ministry, watching over these bloody trials. The acting Minister thought it was a good idea if I had a say in the future of some of the Death Eaters. Every time, I was met by crowds of reporters all asking me questions, none of which I answered, partly because it all just sounded like gibberish but mainly because I was still too exhausted for them.

All the trials were for Voldemort's followers, many of whom were sentenced to Azkaban, including Alecto Carrow, Antonin Dolohov, Corban Yaxley, Augustus Rookwood and Lucius Malfoy. Very few got away without imprisonment. From what I'd seen, only Narcissa Malfoy and her son Draco were able to walk away freely, though I did hear rumours that Thorfinn Rowle got away too, but I didn't see his trial.

I sought to it that Draco wasn't sentenced to Azkaban and would walk away without any consequences. I knew he didn't want any of it and felt forced into following Voldemort through fear, so I ensured he was untarnished. Narcissa, however, got off on her own; I have no idea how she did it. It probably had something to do with the fact that she is the only Death Eater who didn't bear the Dark Mark, though I'm not entirely sure. Whether the Dark Mark makes you a Death Eater, I have no idea. The Malfoys were stripped of most of their properties and fortune, but not all; enough was left to live off, but not enough for Narcissa to go without a job for too long, especially with the way they live.

I've been living at 12 Grimmauld Place for the past two months, on my own, well apart from Kreacher, the horrible little house elf 'that serves the house of Black'. He does make sure I eat every day, so I guess he's not all bad. I'd thought a lot about staying at the Burrow and living full time with the Weasleys, but with Fred's death and Ginny and I's break up, I thought it best not to. They need their space and time just as I do.