Second Child, Restless Child || Raph-Centric TMNT Fanfiction

A/N: Self-harm description
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It was so tempting.

He was alone and he was trusted and there are sharp things in his room and it was oh so tempting.

He should do it, even. It's tempting because he deserved it, at the core of things, and some animal part of him knew this. Cause and effect rules the natural order.

Raph fucked up, he should get punished.

So, with a serious fuckup, he should be seriously punished. He should carve into his arm deep enough to see the muscle, deep enough to see the muscle flex as he does it again, and again. He deserved this.

He's never really felt the need before.

He deserved it though and the punishment is tempting.

Raph needed to stop being a bitch and carve into himself. Like, now.

He just... needed a way to conceal it. So his brothers wouldn't be sidetracked, or burdened.

There were ways, easy ways. His brothers hadn't seen everything and even on Raph's own body there were hiding spots. Lower thighs and ankles made great places to slash and dash, and no one would think to look there.

He moved a kneepad. Well, inches it down. Centimeters it down. Slowly, slowly moved it. If the world was set at double playback speed, he would still be moving the kneepad in slomo.

Because he's stalling.

He doesn't want to do this.

But punishments aren't about want, are they?

It was so much easier when someone else was punishing him. It's too bad he was too much of a coward to go face Leo and his lecture.

Taking a deep breath, he grabbed a kunai. And shuffled the kneepad down. And takes the kunai and presses it against his skin. And -

Nearly takes off his own leg when someone knocks.

"Fuck! Uh - coming!" He yelled, probably too loudly and too suspiciously. Raph ran to the door, looking frantically for a place to hide his kunai.

Unfortunately, the silence on the other side indicated that it was Leo.

At least he will get punished someway and somehow, right? Get this itch out from under his skin?

"Raph?" Leo asked quietly. "Master Splinter... um... he's meditating. Can I come in?"

"Do what you want," Raph replied, giving up and hiding the kunai in his knuckle wrap.

Leo pushed open the door, having to squeeze inside the room since Raphael was blocking it from opening all the way. Leo hovered a bit.

"...Are you okay?" Leo asked quietly.

"I'm fine."

Leo stared. "Dad's... just been really stressed lately. He didn't... he didn't mean that."

"Sure seemed like he did to me. Wouldn't surprise me," he laughed bitterly.

"What are you talking about?" Leo asked, frowning. "Dad loves you."

"You would think that. Dad loves you, an' Mikey, an' Donnie... but sometimes... sometimes I think - "

"Don't say it, Raph. He loves you. He does."

Raph stared down at his hands, feeling the cold kunai under the wrap. "Then why does it feel like he hates me?"

Leo placed a hand on Raph's shoulder. "It... he doesn't hate you. He doesn't - "