Second Child, Restless Child || Raph-Centric TMNT Fanfiction

Chapter Three: There For You

"Sometimes I think Donnie hates me."

"Nobody hates you, Raph. You're our brother."

"Yeah. Sure. Like there's nothing you wouldn't change, right?"

"Well..." Leo's tone was aiming for teasing, but Raph wasn't in the mood.

"Don't. Say. My temper."

They sit in silence for a moment longer, seconds bleeding into minutes bleeding into an eternity.

"I've tried to change," Raph whispered quietly. "I can't. I can't change. I'm always going to be... this." He gestured to himself. "Sensei... Dad might love me, Leo... but I don't think he's ever going to like me. And I can't fix it... I can't... fix..."

Leo was the most aggravating person ever, though. Instead of leaving Raph in peace and misery, he... hugged him. Hard.

Raph's lip wobbled and he fought it. He wouldn't cry in front of Leo. He wouldn't.

Leo reached out and took Raph by the hand.

"We love you, Raph."

Oh.

Raph is frozen. If he stayed still, Leo won't see right through him, right?

"Oh," Leo hushed, and then wiped Raph's tears like he expected them all along. "Don't cry, it's fine. You're fine."

"I - I need to fix myself I need - need to be punished, I -"

Leo caught most of his body weight when he slumped over like a pathetic piece of shit. The worst part is that he was completely unfazed and keeps talking. "Raph, listen to me. Why do you think you need to be punished? We learn from our mistakes when treated with love and compassion. When given room to grow. You can't learn from nonstop katas, or..."

Leo felt the kunai under the wrap.

A hand pulled up his wrap. "Other things..."

"Sorry," Raph chokes, like he should have said an hour ago.

Leo sighs and shuffles them toward the bed. "Shut the fuck up."

And Raph really, really appreciates the effort, don't get him wrong, but Leo cursing around them still sounded like a middle schooler discovering the internet.

"Please stop," Raph asked and Leo started to laugh.

"Okay, okay!" Leo giggles. "But be for real... why do you feel the need to be punished?"

Raph groaned. "You know me, Leo. I'm the irate loudmouth who keeps getting us all into trouble and yelling at you guys. I'm the one who gets so enraged that he loses all sense of reason and keeps getting everyone he's ever lo- cared about into difficulty or dangerous situations! Even though I did all in my power to avoid doing so, I am the one who has been the first to turn my back on all of you."

Leonardo remained silent. Raphael laughed in his sardonic, self-hating way as he was stunned into silence. Raphael sagged his shoulders. He hadn't intended to tell him anything, but in the course of his tearful tears, he unintentionally told him everything. Leo was intelligent enough to infer it from that, even though it wasn't entirely clear. Raphael gritted his teeth.

Might as well go the full way now.

You'd have just as much success getting the Shredder to discuss his emotions, you know that, right?"

"What?" Leo's eyes narrowed in confusion for half a second, before he recognized the barely hidden hint for what it was. He gasped.

"Raphael, you don't-" He broke off, shaking his head. "You're not seriously comparing yourself to him, are you?"

Raph shook his head, forcing out a humorless laugh once again. "Splinter sure thought I was comparable to him."

Raphael was prepared to turn around and flee as the silence continued. He appeared to have to physically stop himself from running. Any means necessary to escape this silent nightmare.

But finally, after an eternity, Leo spoke.

"Raph, you, you..." Leo stuttered, unsure. His mind was still searching for how to respond to this situation, but then, it clicked. He looked Raphael right in the eyes. He was beyond angry. "You dumbass!"

Raphael blinked.

"Why would you think that about yourself? Demanded Leonardo. "You're not like him at all! He is a monster, really! You aren't! Raphael, you are a lot of things. You sometimes act irrationally and are angry, but you are not evil. You don't exploit and injure people the way Shredder does, and you've never been so consumed by rage as to completely ruin your entire life and the lives of everyone you care about!"

Raph shook his head, remaining silent.

Leo sniffed. "You're Raphael, second oldest son to Master Splinter, the one he dubbed 'protector' of the group all those years ago." Leo spoke softly, but sincerely and with no room for argument. "You're the one whose goal first and foremost is to get everyone home alive, never mind the mission; that comes second. Because the team is what matters to you most. You're the one who hates to admit it, but cares for his family more than anything else and just wants everyone to be safe. We've seen you with Mona, Chompy, Spike, me, Donnie, Mikey... You're the one who is scared that people seeing that you care will somehow make you less able to protect them," Leo continued on, "You're fire. You're the one who is convinced that's a bad thing, but fire is power and light. Without it, it's doubtful intelligent life would've made it this far. It's not just destructive, Raphael, and neither are you." Leonardo smiled, "I don't know what Earth would look like without fire, and I don't know where we'd be without you. The answer to both those questions is probably 'a lot worse off.'"

Since the beginning of this conversation, Raphael had been searching pretty much everywhere for Leo; nonetheless, it was able to catch his attention. It was true; despite the fact that he had been compared to that force of nature far too often for him to count, he had always seen the comparison negatively. Was there more to fire than just devastation and wrath, after all? Was he more than that?

He stared at his brother, speechless. Leo pulled him into a tight hug.

"You're nothing like him, Raph. You lose your temper, sure, and people have taken advantage of that. But you're not a bad guy. You never could be. Stop being angry at yourself. You don't deserve it."

Raphael smiled.

It would be a deception to pretend that everything is fixed. Raphael, like all the brothers, was still sad and had endured more painful events than was reasonable. Nothing could be fixed right away. He continued to experience nightmares, some nights more so than others, and occasionally he would get angry. He would curse the world and everything in it and deeply regret it.

But he had three brothers who cared for him, who knew his pain, and who would be there every time he fell. They trusted him, and he trusted them in return. They would be there for each other.