The girl with no Identity

I wish I could explain the reasons, why am I like this? Why do I feel this way? Why are my emotions so beyond control it makes me do things I don't want too.
I want the old me back, I want to be happy, hyper, running and bouncing around, that's me, I need me back. But it seems like that is a version of myself that will never come back, old me has been completely erased from existence. Nobody nor myself recognises who I am, and that's the hard part because all I want is to be my old self, be that person who no longer has an identity.
I'm so angry, I'm angry at the unknown, who did this to me, why did they do this to me, what did I do so wrong in life to deserve the constant wishing of death, to deserve the most painful heartache ever. The indescribable pain of pure saddness and emptiness. The tightening in my chest tightening so much it becomes hard to breathe, the tightness becomes pain, pain spreads through my chest, my neck and my head. I find it hard to keep it in, causing more pain as my hand covers my mouth, my mouth creates a small gap where I take a deep breath and break down continuing to put more pressure on my mouth to prevent other people hearing me hysterical. My eyes squeezed shut but manage to create a waterfall of tears through my tear duct.
It hurts, I need this pain to, stop it hurts so much. I can't describe this feeling but all i can say is this pain is a pain I wish on no other. I'm hurting so much. I don't want to die because I'm sad, i want to die because it  will end the physical pain, the suffering, the voices in my head. It'll end this once and for all.
I feel trapped, I'm trapped in a small room with 4 brick walls with no door, no escape route, I'm trapped inside my own mind. I feel like I'm getting judged, I feel like people are watching my every move, criticising everything I do.
And there begins the next question. When will it stop? When will the impulsivity, mood swings, anger, hopelessness, dissociation, self harm, anxiety, stop? When will it stop?
It never will. And with that decision becomes more harm, waiting until the house is free to remove my blades from their hiding place and take them to the bathroom with me. Then the blade meets my legs as I go over the cut multiple times until it becomes more painful or the depth of the cut is satisfactory.
I can't explain why I do it I just do.
People when never understand, it's the only thing I can control, the few moments were I don't feel the pain, heartache, the hurt all I feel is a razor going through my skin, the blood dripping down my legs and arms. I don't think of anything in that moment except the sight of blood meeting the bathtub and begins to turn the water red. The feelings I feel on the inside are unbearable, I can't control them and it drives me mad. But I can control when happens on the outside, the bloods and pain, i get to defeat the feeling I feel on the inside by hurting myself on the outside.

Part 2 coming soon...