I'm sorry...for everything

[1]

Being taken care of. That was the only thing he had ever wanted.

Ray wanted to be seen.

Seen as a human being.

As someone more than their flaws.

As someone more than their addiction.

Ray wanted to be seen as someone with feelings who would get hurt by hurtful words.

Ray wanted to be understood.

Understood that he was just lonely and seeking for someone who would stay by his side.

Understood about his fear of abandonment and being left alone.

Understood that he was struggling and fighting to stay alive.

Understood as a normal person.

He wanted to live.

Live his life without worries and regrets.

He just wanted to be loved.

...

Loved?

Nobody had ever loved him. Not his so called friends nor his father. Not even his own mother had ever told him that she loved him. Ray was sure of that. They all just saw him as a burden.

Was he that unlovable?

But also, did he even deserve to be loved?

Those around him seemed to either stay out of pity, for his wealth, or solely for sexual reasons, leaving him feeling consistently used and trapped in a cycle of emptiness.

And Ray was afraid of being alone.

Being alone with his self destructive thoughts.

Feeling left behind.

Feeling abandoned.

Feeling replaceable.

So he had tried everything not to end up alone.

Partying.

Spending his money irresponsibly.

Drinking until passing out.

Smoking.

Using drugs.

Ray had tried everything to fit in. But he now recognised that his desperate pursuit of an escape from harsh realities had only led him down a destructive path of alcoholism and drug addiction.

An addict who was broken beyond repair. Someone who had never wanted to end up like this.

Ending alone.

Ending like his mother...

There was no hopeful future for him. There never was. Ray saw himself as too broken, too tangled in his struggles, and too ensnared by addiction to care for others, let alone himself. And he knew that he could never be fixed.

Not by alcohol.

Not by Mew.

And definitely not by Sand.

...

Sand?

Feeling like going crazy, Ray quietly chuckled to himself. He was almost home.

Only five more minutes.

With Mew things were already spiralling downward long before Top entered their lives but Ray - in his attempt to expose everyone - ultimately crushed their relationship less than twenty minutes ago.