I'm sorry...for everything

[1]

He knew that Mew didn't love him back. He always knew. But somehow he had thought that things between them could work out, only to realise how delusional he had been. And now Ray wasn't even sure if Mew had ever even considered him as a friend.

He probably saw him more as a test object to make himself look like a good friend to others and get more sympathy points.

Or as something for which he had to feel pity for.

Something that he had to be responsible and care for.

But after everything, Ray admitted there was no salvaging their friendship - or the remnants he desperately clung to. Ray was being disgusting and pathetic for that. But in the end he had always been a fool for Mew.

And Mew deserved better than him. So it was better to push him away as well. It was finally over with his best friend of whom he had wished more in their relationship.

Ending this friendship was like ending an significant chapter.

But Sand on the other hand?

He had really fucked up things with Sand.

A wave of guilt and shame washed over Ray, replaying their recent fight in his mind, which had ended with him driving away, leaving Sand behind.

In the few months they'd known each other, Sand, he was the only person who brought a sense of joy into Ray's life. Unlike others, Sand didn't stay by his side because of his money or because he felt bad for him. He was genuinely interested in Ray's hobbies and aspirations, treating him like any other person. From the start, Sand saw Ray for who he was, not as an addict who needed to be put in control and couldn't be trusted, but simply as a person.

A person with a tragic past behind their arrogant personality.

A person who was still affected by their past to this day.

A person who was struggling with their self perception.

A person who just wanted to be protected.

A person who was screaming for help.

He demonstrated to Ray experience of deserving love by treating Ray authentically, expressing his feelings honestly, and holding him accountable for his actions for which Ray had been grateful for. Through this, he showed Ray what it truly meant to be valued as a real person.

He was the only one who could see through him and understand his feelings.

The only one who had ever believed in him.

The only one who had tried to help him.

Until one day he had left him as well...

Looking back, Ray realised his selfish behaviour when he had been around Sand, constantly demanding more than Sand could provide, pushing him to a breaking point. Deep down, Ray understood why Sand distanced himself - his excessive demands and repeated hurts were too much.

Ray just wanted to enjoy his limited time with Sand as long as possible, knowing that, like everyone before, Sand might leave him eventually. This was why Ray kept wanting more and more from their time together.

Despite Ray's unforgiving wrongdoings, Sand still followed him to the car after the altercation with Mew at the bar. And Ray just got so...angry, completely psyching out. In a moment of anger and verge of losing control, Ray couldn't comprehend why Sand insisted on staying by his side. And when Sand offered help, something within Ray snapped.