I'm sorry...for everything

[1]

He wanted desperately Sand to leave him alone. Finding someone better than him.

Someone who was deserving of his unconditional love and care.

Someone who was not as fucked up as him.

Someone who saw him from the beginning as their first choice.

Someone who wouldn't let him down for someone else.

Someone who was not Ray.

In the end, Ray succeeded in even pushing away the only person who had seen value in him and stood by his side until the end, causing him pain in the process. Although Ray genuinely regretted the hurtful accusations against Sand, he believed it was for the best. In Ray's eyes, it was better to hate and let go of him than staying and eventually getting hurt by him again in the future.

It was better if he was just gone.

Gone from this world that had never given him a chance of living it peacefully.

Ray finally arrived at his home. Like always when he came home from partying there was no light in his house. Only some faint lights along the parking lot fences guided his way to a large, upscale building.

The building that he had to call his own house.

The building where he had been abused his whole life.

The building where his mother had taken her own life in front of his eyes.

The building where he still had to live everyday and pass through the hallways where his mother had lied passed out drunk.

The haunting image of his mother laying motionless in front of him lingered in Ray's mind, tormenting him even in his dreams and pushing him into a deep emotional abyss from which he struggled to escape.

A faint buzzing sound coming from the street lamps could be heard. But otherwise it was dead silent. Not even cats fighting or tree rustling noises. Ray could hear his rapid breathing, even his own heartbeat, and it was creeping him out.

That meant no one was there to possibly stop him.

Ray had already guessed that but still felt a great relief, realising that everything was going as planned.

Although he had already parked his car and turned it off he stayed in his seat, unable to move. As if he was waiting for something.

Or more like for someone.

His mind drifted back to Sand and for a moment he wondered if Sand maybe had followed him on his bike. Ray waited like he was expecting him to come out of nowhere and save him.

Like the other numerous times.

But nobody came. Ray knew it. He had always known it.

He wasn't that important to Sand.

He never was.

Why should he?

The realization hit Ray like a large wave, a whirlwind of emotions crashing over him. Hurt, betrayal, and a sense of abandonment flooded his senses. Yet, paradoxically, there was a strange relief for not having another person caring for him when he would be dead.

After getting out of his car and locking it Ray immediately went inside the house, holding onto the hallway walls while staggering to his room.

Oh gosh...how much he hated himself.