But What if they Didn't? [Vox Angst]

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Depression, Panic Attack, Referenced SA/R, SH/SI Topic. Reader discretion advised.

From up in my penthouse, I look out my bedroom window at the dying light of day turning to night, cyan tears streaming down my face, thinking about what had happened just a few hours prior.

Valentino had walked into my room, cooing soft, lustful lulls, though I heard none of them; My mind had been racing with the questions I've asked myself over and over again, especially closer to the dragging, slow hours the evening usually brought about.

"I'm not in the mood right now, Val." I said without thinking. Val didn't take this 'disobedience' lightly, and angrily grabbed hold of me. I struggled against his grip, but to no avail. In under 30 seconds, Val had me pinned to the couch and was beginning to take off my clothes, wearing his usual, nasty grin as he did so. I struggled harder, fighting against Val's grip on me, until Val twisted my arm to the point that it felt like it could break, chuckling to himself as I gave up fighting, and opted instead to whimper as I was used without the ability to say no, for fear of my own life. Once Valentino finished what he'd set out to do, he fell asleep on the couch where he'd found me and done the awful deed, giving me the chance to redress myself and escape.

I shudder at the thought, reliving the memories of the many times my supposed 'boyfriend', Valentino, had done this to me, showing no signs of remorse during or after these all too common events.

Afterwards, I'd walked out to the kitchen, still shaking after what had happened, fighting back the tears threatening to fall from my eyes. In my upset daze, I'd been unaware of my surroundings and accidentally stumbled into Velvette, nearly knocking her over.

"Hey! Watch it, Screeny!" She snaps at me, before returning her attention to her phone. I quickly stumble over an apology, and silence falls between us for a few moments.

"Hey, Velvette? Can I...talk to you about something?" I say quietly, nervously wringing my hands, avoiding eye contact.

"The fuck you want, Vox? I'm busy." She says irritatedly, glaring at me from over her phone.

"I-it's about Val..." I start, before being interrupted by Velvette.

"Well, then I don't wanna hear it; I have bigger shit to deal with than you and your little boy toy's relationship drama." She huffs, getting up and walking away, leaving me alone in the kitchen, now fighting back even more tears.

It's common for me to be ignored by Velvette when I need comfort, so I shouldn't have been surprised; She's a busy woman who runs a tight schedule and is always doing her work on the go. But in any case, it still ends up with me having nobody to turn to when I need it most.

I sit in the kitchen, still fighting back an ocean of tears, for what feels like an eternity. I feel a small tear spill over the dam in my eyes and run down my face, and realize there's no use in trying to fight it anymore. I let out a long, sad sigh, before forcing myself to my feet, trudging to my room, silent tears falling in larger amounts now. I shut the door quietly behind me and walk over to my bed, laying down and curling up into a ball as I give in and give up, letting my sobs escape where I know nobody can find out about the pain I've had to hide; The pain that eats away at me from the inside.

Which brings me to now.

I sit in my room, staring out the window, memories flooding my mind, my tears long depleted, though the feelings behind them haven't calmed in the slightest.

"You're pathetic" a small voice filters in. I'm used to these voices by now: They've plagued me for years.

"Look at you, you can't even defend yourself from Val, or demand the attention you need from Velvette. You're getting weak." it persists. I sigh, no energy left for me to fight the voice.

"But then again, maybe there's a reason they pay no mind to you; Maybe they never cared at all?" the little voice taunts.

"No...No, they still care about me. They have to, or else I wouldn't still be here." I say aloud to myself, trying to convince myself I'm right, despite the nagging feeling that I could be wrong.

"Are you sure? Val doesn't seem to care when he takes advantage of you, nor does Velvette when you need her support. Come to think of it, it doesn't seem like they ever cared in the first place." the voice says.
"Shut up! They DO care about me! They have to, right?" I shout at myself, trying to overpower the voice in the back of my head. I feel the tears flooding back, burning in my eyes, my chest tightening and my breath quickening as I try desperately to fight the voice with whatever energy and control I have left.

"They couldn't care less about you. If you disappeared, I'm sure they wouldn't even notice." the voice goes on. I begin to sob again, still trying to stifle the voice with what little fight I have left in my bones. I glance at my dresser, seeing my pocket knife sitting neatly on top. I grab it without thinking, knowing pain is the only thing that has ever helped to quiet the voices. I roll up my sleeves, looking at the many scars and cuts littering my forearms with tears in my eyes. I make one, then another, and then another, blood slowly dripping from the fresh wounds.

"You worthless piece of work, nobody will ever love you the way you need it. You should just get this over with, it's not like anyone would care, anyways." the voice jeers.

"No! Shut up! Please! They WOULD miss me! Just shut up!" I yell back at the voice, sobs wracking my body, blood still slowly falling from my arms to the floor.

"But what if they didn't?" the voice lilts. A shattering silence befalls my mind as I think back to all the times I needed someone to listen, to care, to just be there. Nobody ever answered my cries, and a sinking, empty feeling settles in, worse than ever before, as I realize the voice is right; Nobody cares.

Nobody would care if I killed myself right here and now.

Sobs wrack my entire body even harder as the last bit of fight I have left leaves my soul, body, and mind. I look down at my bleeding arms through teary eyes, and without a second thought, dig the blade deep into my wrists. Blood flows like a river as I pull out the blade, and I smile softly through my tears, taking solace in the thought that the pain will all be over soon. I suddenly hear my door unlock, and see Velvette standing over me, panicking and trying to stop the bleeding, tears in her eyes. Valentino is standing behind her, staring at me in shock, tears flowing from his eyes like a waterfall. But, by now, it's too late; the voices finally start to die out as I feel my consciousness slowly slipping from my body.

"I'm sorry, you guys. It's better off this way." I say aloud, smiling softly at them, my vision blurring and swimming. Velvette screams for me to stay awake, but her voice muffles and eventually disappears as I close my eyes, letting the darkness envelop me, feeling the most at peace I've ever felt in my life, before falling asleep for the last time I ever will.