INKsanity

I might be having a panic attack right now, but oh well.

I think its coming back. It as in that thing that i tried so hard to get rid of, and that i thought i had already gotten rid of. Ive always felt like as if there was this empty feeling in me but the void is seeming to take over again, like a cancer untreated.

I cant exactly describe what the heck this feeling is.

But one thing for sure: it's not good.

I'm an optimist. I dont often like seeing the negativities in life and I'd always be the one to point out the silver lining. But it seems impossible to escape the gnawing sense of hopelessness that tugs at my soul. Its just... Have we, in our quest for progress and freedom, forgotten the sacrifices of those who came before us? Have we squandered the bloodshed, sweat, tears and relentless striving for a better future, only to find ourselves adrift in a sea of disillusionment?

The lenses shatter and im left staring into the void of my conscience, wondering if redemption is still within reach or if we've plunged headlong into some sort of dystopian nightmare where hope is like a dying ember. The conclusion i come to, doesn't seem like a resolution but just a question that lingers in the tense air like a mournful lament.

Have we traded the dreams of a brighter tomorrow for the ashes of today's ruin? I try to be happy but everything seems shattered. It's so sad to realize that in order for me to see the world in a better light i have to put on some sort of perspective first. The beauty wont dawn on me like sunlight flowing through a window on a 7 am,, and even that sunlight that was once comforting is now burning.

Fuckin politics was once the beacon of progress, its now a stage for the grotesque theater of power-hungry demagogues. Leaders are more concerned with their own egos than the welfare of their citizens, engaging in a never-ending game of brinkmanship, pushing the world to the precipice of destruction with each passing day. Diplomacy has become a relic of the past, replaced by the deafening roar bombing and such with the ominous threat of nuclear annihilation.

Then meanwhile society stands fractured, torn apart by the soul sucking void of inequality. The rich grow richer, their insatiable greed devouring the hopes and dreams of the impoverished masses. Basic human rights are trampled upon, sacrificed at the altar of corporate profit margins. The social contract lies in tatters, a cruel joke played on those who dare to believe in the promise of a better tomorrow.

As we stand witness to the unfolding chaos we cannot escape the fact that we are the architects of our own destruction, the architects of our own demise. Each plastic bag we just leave randomly with no second glance, each gallon of gas we burn without consideration, each vote we cast for leaders who prioritize profit over people, we condemn ourselves and future generations to a fate of our own making.

It's sad. It's depressing. It's so dissapointing and devastating that im feeling like such a lost cause. I feel so guilty and i need someone to share these things with but my friends are busy my family is busy and im not saying that im an obligation. I know they have problems of their own. And if i ever get the chance to tell them these they'll say im dramatic, that why the fuck are you thinking of those stuff and all that shit. They dont like me sharing my own problems, what more with such a thing.

But i know i shouldn't lose hope. And this is why i keep fighting everyday, this is why im still here. It's hard to use these negativities as my fuel but it's what i have to do, and it's what i aspire to bring light upon. I dont know what it will be that i will be in the future, something enough for me to change the world even just a little bit but im sure that making a difference is something I'll try to do.

I have lots of dreams and i will make sure that they'll not get crushed even though the world is somehow falling apart.

You should, too. Like Louis said, whatever tears you apart dont let it break your heart. You might be feeling all hopeless, you might be feeling like total shit but never ever let it crush your will.

Lol. Im getting all cheesy again. Sorry.

Lets just talk about something else. Something like... the one who has his birthday today. :'))) aka the one who's too factin oblivious.

Oh well. I think he's 13 now... I didnt greet him, of course not. No fookin way, lol. I wanted to, i even acted nonchalant about his birthday towards my parents .

As crazy as it can possibiy sound,, there's no denying that i actually look for him in every crowd even if he'll never do the same. Thats typical with us the unrequited, isn't it? We're still so smitten, allow ourselves to be gone for this person even if we know that one way or another (*🎶 IM GONNA GETCHA GETCHA GETCHA GETCHA🎶*)
we're all gonna be hurt. Unless you're one of those lucky people and he or she or they actually liked you back.

I've written poems about it,, songs about it and I'll talk about it to a lover like its that easy to unlove someone and i always am going to but since when have i ever kept within my plans? He wasn't in my plan,, but i now think of him like it's a routine and its nothing like that it's more of a rooted pain within me that his mere presence keeps consuming and consuming with every breath he takes and im suffocating because of all the words and actions he probably dedicates to someone else.

But as i once wrote a poem about,, “i cant force you to like me back.” Im not really mad at him even if i say that i am because if there was anyone im really mad at in such a situation it will be me and my foolish arse who actually thinks i stand a chance among all the admirers he has. Me,, and the situation seems nothing in store for me but eager bees to nectar filled bloom and im the fly  and i cant do what they promise to do and i also dont look good, not even okay. Im just a whisper in his world of cheers.

Im the fool here. He's a fool for being oblivious but i cant blame him if he doesn't like me back. We cant control how people act but you can control the way you react.

And i wont risk someone's damage just because of my love.

Pff. Sap. All for now, K.xxx