LANA MASON
The last time I saw Harry, I was wearing dirty clothes and my makeup was old. Despite being more prepared this time, I think I look just as ugly. I've been having a difficult time looking at myself in the mirror these days because I hate what I see. My skin looks dull and my clothes aren't fitting the way I want them to. My lips are perpetually dry and all of my clothes smell like weed. Harry's going to notice that because he notices everything, which is just...perfect.
I'm already at my best in a pair of jeans with my long black wool winter coat and a sweater underneath. I'm wearing Ugg slippers and my hair is up in the same bun I secured it in yesterday. There is no makeup on my face, but I bothered with moisturizer when the cold was forcing my skin to crack and peel.
Instead of taking the subway like I should, I use my app to get an Uber. I'm hyper-aware that I'm unemployed and that I've officially lost $2,500 to rent on the first of this month, plus my utilities, plus my subscriptions to various streaming services. I should be saving every penny, but I've been eating out on the rare occasion that I'm actually hungry and I can't be bothered to take the subway if I want to go anywhere. I can't be bothered about anything.
As I head down to meet the driver outside, I'm grateful to live in a city where no one wants to talk to you. The man says nothing to me as I plop into the backseat of his car and rest my head back on the smooth leather seat, watching the apartments, bars, restaurants, bodegas, and coffee shops pass by through my window. I have no idea what I'm going to say to Harry or what he's going to say to me, but I know that seeing him is going to hurt like a mother fucker.
I've been keeping up with him via Maya just a little. She told me that the first court hearing apparently went well for him and not so much for Allison. I don't know what that means because her dad didn't give her specific details, but I guess that's all I need to know. As long as he gets to see Jane every other week, then our breakup wasn't for nothing and everything will work out how it's supposed to in the end.
The car rolls a bit further past Harry's place, but I don't correct him as I get out and tighten my coat over my chest to walk back about a hundred feet down the sidewalk. Just being in this neighborhood makes me feel sick, and my fingers are all too quick to punch in the proper code to let me into the building.
I remember running up these three flights of stairs with a smile on my face every time, but now I'm just about crawling to the third floor, shuffling my feet, and taking every opportunity to stop and rest between floors. I'm more out of breath than normal by the time I stand before Harry's door, so I wait for almost a full minute to let my pulse return to a resting pace, but it never happens. I'm nervous.
"Fuck," I whisper to myself before raising my fist to knock. I still have my key, but this isn't my place to unlock and come and go as I please anymore. If I didn't have to return my spare key and get my things, I wouldn't be back here at all.
Harry is expecting me, so I don't know why I'm startled when he opens the door. He's not smiling at me and he has no reason to. His eyes are as tired as they ever are and his messy hair is a product of him running his fingers through it. He has on a black long-sleeved shirt and trousers-what I'm assuming he wore to work today.
"Hi," I speak first with a scratchy voice that I don't bother to clear as I swallow past the lump in my throat.
"Hi," he holds the door open wider for me, habitually closing and locking it in one swift movement once I'm inside. Everything looks the same as it did the last time I was here.
"I'm just gonna-" I point lazily at the hallway. "It won't take long."
He doesn't respond as I turn to make my way to my old bedroom, and I do everything in my power to be apathetic about the entire process. I'm on autopilot as I begin loosely folding my clothes in the closet to be packed in the overnight bag by the nightstand. My jaw is clenched the entire time and I wonder if maybe I should slow down so I don't have to leave right away even though I shouldn't even be here in the first place.
