To Breathe Again

Michelle's POV

I feel like I'm just floating. No emotion or deliberate thought wants to enter into me. At this point, I think I would like to even feel sadness. I don't like the numb feeling. The only thing that seems to go through my mind is the amount of physical pain I'm in. It was only a day or so after I was admitted into the hospital that I awoke in a room full of people. It was extremely overwhelming after being in complete silence and alone for over two weeks. I found out that that was the amount of time Clark had me, 17 days. Seventeen days of my life stolen. Meh, another stripe on the tiger, right? Everything else was taken from me, why not time? I know that I have the guys back, but do I really? I'm used and broken. My body has been crumpled up and stepped on. I feel dirtier than the trash in the garbage and that's not just from not having taken a shower yet. It's the way I feel from the inside out, it's just that my outside pretty well reflects the inside.

The doctor came in after a few days and explained all my injuries. He listed off one injury after another. I could barely keep up. They were most concerned about my heart, kidneys, and liver functioning. They were still doing a lot of tests to ensure they were working properly. Due to the fact that I had no food and so little water for so long, evidently those are the first to be affected. In addition to the impacts of neglect, the physical injuries he inflicted on me were pretty severe. They had to do a full hysterectomy which means I'll never be able to have children again. The worst part was hearing about the loss of my baby. My baby. I didn't even know he or she was in there. Maybe if I had known, I could've tried to protect him better. I should have been stronger and fought back harder. I failed him... or her. I failed someone else and I hadn't even had the chance to meet them. I know the guys probably hate me, at least a little bit, for allowing their child to die. I can't imagine the disappointment when they heard about their loss.

I'm supposed to leave the hospital today. I don't feel excited about it. You would think I'd be thrilled. I'm not. I don't know what to do, what to say, where to go, or even what to think at this point. I should probably find another place to live. I doubt I still have my job after being gone for so long. I don't know. I haven't heard from Chester. I haven't really heard from anyone other than Grant, Trent, or Sammy. Well the cops had to come in and talk to me. Yeah, that was fun. It's not surprising that I haven't seen many people. I've never been very close to my family. My dad's side all lives in other states, including my dad. He's awesome but he has one major fault and that is staying in touch, so I'm not upset with him at all. If that's his only fault, I have to overlook it. My mother's side has already kept to themselves, or at least as a group, they mainly only do things together. She only has one brother and he and his kids share activities but they don't ever include me. I don't think it's intentional. It's just a natural process of them getting together as their own little family. It's not their fault that I don't really have a family to get together with... at least not anymore.

I had an ideal family at one point. Manuel was amazing and my kids are so beautiful. Our house was filled with laughter and love. I have so many photos of us smiling and videos of us playing with the children. I remember one video where Manuel is twirling around in circles. Tony is on his back, held by one arm, and Isabella is in his other arm on his front. They are squealing with joy as he spins. He looks at me and smiles and says, "I'm an Oreo." I laugh from behind the camera and reply, "You're the creamy center." It was a little piece of heaven.

Now, it's just me. I don't really want to go back to the cabin and have the guys look at me with either hate for losing their child or pity at my brokenness. I don't want them to feel like they are obligated to take care of me, simply because we were together when it happened. They've been really quiet when they come to stay with me. They've stayed less and less over the last few days. I imagine there's only so much silence you can take. Clark was right, I'm really not able to give anything of value to another human being, not anymore. I don't have anything to offer them. I bring nothing to the table worth having. I can't have them stuck with me. I've failed them and I won't continue to do so. I guess it's good that I feel so numb. I can make this decision with my head rather than my heart. I'll go with them today, simply because I don't have the energy to fight it but once I get there, I'll start looking for a way out. I should have enough saved to get a little studio. I'll sell most of my things and store Tony's. I'll move out and they can move on with their lives without feeling guilty. If they'd lost me to Clark, that would have been hard but to break-up because I'm too messed up, well that's what happened with me and Manuel so if I can get over that, they can as well.

Grant's POV

I don't know what ta do 'bout Flower. I think we're all at a loss. We've tried givin' 'er space but I think that mighta just made things worse. We couldn't tell her about Tony yet. The cops were still worried that Clark wasn't workin' alone but we were given the green light today. Trent's gettin' 'er room all setup 'fer when she comes home. I'm hopin' that maybe when she gets here, she'll start to feel better especially after seein' Tony. We were told by the hospital psychologist that it'll probably take 'er a while to feel normal again and even then, might not ever be the same again. She's been through hell. But fuck, she's been through hell before and she came out as my dream woman. I can only hope that she'll do it again.

"Ya'll ready?" Trent says from the front door. Sammy and I follow him out ta Sammy's SUV. We figure that'll be the best vehicle ta get 'er home comfortably. "What are ya'll thinking about?" Trent says from the driver's seat. I look over at him then back to Sammy. We all have defeated looks on our faces, combined with nervousness.

"Man, I'm just a bag of emotions, ya know. I know she's gonna flip when she sees Tony but I hope she don't hate us fer not tellin' 'er. I also don't know how she'll be after everythin' she's gone through, even with Tony bein' back." I said.

They both nod. "I think we take it minute by minute, and day by day. No expectations and no complaints. She has to know that we are here to support her however she needs it." Sammy says from the back seat.

Sammy's POV

We get home and she's still not really talking. She smiles at us but it's a distant smile that doesn't really reach her eyes. It's like she's with us but she isn't. She's in a tremendous amount of pain, so we help her as best we can. We settle her in her room and give her the pain meds and other prescriptions we picked up on the way home. I take her into the shower. "Baby, I'm going to remove your clothes. Is that ok?" I ask her.

She looks at me and nods, no emotion on her face. I start to take her shirt off and watch as any movement makes her grimace. After I've removed her shirt and pants, I move to take off her panties and she flinches away. "I'm sorry." She says quietly. "Go head, I just forgot where I was for a minute." My heart is breaking as I see a lone tear go down her cheek. I finish helping her out of her clothes and take her into the shower. The cuts all along her back sting when the water hits them and she hisses. I carefully help her bathe and then dry her with a warmed towel. I put anointment on her cuts and bruises and help her dress in one of Grant's button-up shirts so it's easier to put on and take off. We skip panties and slip on loose boxers instead. The doctor said she needs loose clothing due to a UTI and yeast infection. After I place her gently in the bed, she closes her eyes and tries to relax.

She's out within minutes and I go into the kitchen to check on Grant. He's furiously cleaning and making some sort of soup for Angel. "You alright man?" I ask knowing he saw and heard some of what just happened. He had been standing by in case we needed help. He looks over at me and tears are running down his face. For a man as tough as Grant, his heart is just as big as he is. He fears nothing except pain inflicted on those he loves. I know he feels helpless, we all do. For him, it's worse. He's always been the protector, even though that's Trent's business. Grant was always bigger, even growing up, so he protected us from bullies and even bad relationships in the past, but he couldn't protect her. "You couldn't have stopped this." I tell him and he stops moving. I can see him taking deep breaths. "I mean it, man. There's nothing you could have done to keep that psycho from getting to her other than lock her in a room, yourself. He would have found a way." He slowly turns to me and the look he has is murderous. I instinctively take a step back. "Grant, man, calm down. She needs you now. You might not have been able to keep this from happening, but what you can do is help her to heal. Let her know that you're here. Show her how much you love her. Trent and I don't blame you and you need to stop blaming yourself." His face softens and he looks down at the floor.

"I just, I-I was supposed ta make 'er happy. I promised that nuthin' would ever happen 'round us. I promised, man, I-I-I promised 'er that she'd be safe. I promised." He said his voice finally breaking and he began to sob. I just held my brother close, trying to hold up his large frame. Thank God Trent came in about this time and joined us. The two of us held up our protector and let him fall apart on us. We love that woman in the other room and she is going to know it.

Tony's suppose to be coming home in about another hour. They had to bring him from across town. I know he's excited to see his mom but they also had to brief him on how to handle her. She's still real fragile and she might not believe what she sees. They didn't tell him everything she went through, but they told him enough. They said he punched a hole in the wall. Grant offered to fix it but they said that they would've done the same if not more. They all love Tony and I don't blame them. He's the son we all wanted and now have.