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TW: SU*C*DAL THOUGHTS, S/H AND RELAPSE

As the evening comes to a close, I can't help but think about the damage that she did. I know she was drunk. I know it was a setup. But it still hurts, so bad. I sit in my room, the glow of my phone illuminating the darkness. I want to reach out to her, to hear her voice, to know that she still cares. But I can't shake the feeling that things will never be the same between us.

I scroll through our old messages, reading each one with a pang of sadness. We used to be so happy together, so in love. But now, everything feels different.

I type out a message, then delete it. Type it out again, then delete it once more. I don't know what to say, how to express the turmoil that's raging inside me.

In the end, I decide to wait. Wait and see if she reaches out to me first. If she still wants me in her life. If she still loves me.

But as the minutes tick by, I can't shake the feeling of loneliness that settles over me. I miss her, more than words can say.

I sit on my bed, staring at my phone, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. It's been hours since I saw the video, since I saw Ashlyn kissing Isaac. My heart feels heavy, like a stone sinking in my chest. I want to reach out to her, to hear her voice, to make sense of everything that happened. But I'm afraid. Afraid of what she'll say, afraid of what she won't say.

Part of me wants to believe that it was just a mistake, that she didn't mean for any of it to happen. But another part of me wonders if there's more to it, if there's something she's not telling me. I can't help but continue overthinking and overthinking

I take a deep breath and start typing out a message again, only to delete it moments later. What's the point, anyway? What could I possibly say that would make any difference?

I toss my phone onto the bed and bury my face in my hands, the weight of it all crashing down on me. I don't know what to do, where to go from here. All I know is that I can't keep living like this, in this constant state of uncertainty and pain.

Minutes go by like hours and I start to pace my room. How could she do this to me? I thought we had something? How could she pull this shit? My mind spirals to the conversation we had earlier. The texts I sent her last night. The back and forth between us this morning

I open my phone and I scroll to see my first texts to her last night.

'I saw the video. Have fun with the guy you hate, Ashlyn. We're done.'

'I hope you know I loved you. I really hope you know that. But whatever right. Isaac's right there. Why have a guy who loves you when you can have a guy who thinks you're a hoe'

Why did I have to say it like that? Why did I have to make it worse? I need air. I leave my phone on my bed, I grab my jacket off my doorknob and I exit my room. I go downstairs and I walk towards the front door. Passing by my mom, glued to her laptop at the table, I open the door and I walk outside. I just need air, that's all. I'll be fine. It'll be okay.

"Jeremy, where are you going?" she asks, glancing up briefly.

"I just need some air, Mom. I'll be back soon," I mumble, not waiting for her response.

I open the door and step outside. I just need air, that's all. I'll be fine. It'll be okay.

I get in my car and start it. Sitting in the front seat, I look over at the sun visor in the passenger seat. I flip it down and see the "Passenger Princess" sticker on the front of the mirror. Tears well up in my eyes and I slam my hands down on the steering wheel.

"FUCK ASHLYN WHY?" I shout, my voice echoing in the confined space of the car.

I take a few deep breaths, trying to calm down. The anger and frustration are overwhelming, but underneath it all, there's a deep sadness. I miss her so much. I want things to go back to the way they were, but I know that's impossible now.