?????????? ★ ??? ????...

I fell in love again.
All things go, all things go
Drove to Chicago
All things know, all things know.

Chicago - Sufjan Stevens

Moe.

I wish I was better with words. I wish I could put all the happiness, the memories we've shared all the stupid shit you've said, done and in between onto paper so you could remember me forever I wish I could do it just so that it could be easier for you.

Life's treated you like a bitch kid and I'm sorry I couldn't make it easier. If you're reading this that means I've finally done it, I could go into all that it's not your fault bullshit you know it's not and I don't want to waste ink. bic is fucking expensive these days.

Be there for Sugar god knows she's only ever strong when you're around, keep the kitchen alive, Tina, Richie even though he acts like a dick he loves you like he's own, Marcus god knows how many stupid times I've heard him talk about those eclairs you bought his family for Christmas, fak, Ebrahim everyone Moe keep em strong for me, keep yourself strong for me. Don't let yourself fall into that hole kid, you're too fucking good for that I raised you so you wouldn't be like me.

You're a dime a dozen kid never forget that.

Lastly before I go I need you to forgive bear, the kids hopeless bless his soul, I need you to know I pushed him out far away so he'd come back something I'm not, good, clean, pure. He loved loves you, when you stopped showing up for Christmas helping at those shelters he kept the seat next to him open no matter how much shit we gave him, he hoped you'd be there. He ain't as strong as he acts a lot goes on in his fucking head, just keep him close no matter what you never know what tomorrow holds.

If you could forgive me for my shit over and over again I'm hoping you could forgive him one last time, hoping you forgive Carm, hoping you can forgive yourself.

Let it rip kid.

Moe wants to throw up, she's suddenly woozy unsure if it's the trapped heat from Carmen's jacket, the cold Dunkin she's been nursing for three blocks now, or the smell of the nasty Chicago railway. Those would be the excuses her head tries to make to rationalize this but it's the paper in her hand that tells the truth, nothing but the truth. It was all a mistake anyway a letter she'd found in an attempt to fish her card out of her bag a mistake that was making all those emotions, memories she'd tried so damn hard to repress come right back up.

Someone taps her on the shoulder and she jumps sniffing the very tip of her nose red. She wipes her tears with the back of her hand turning around, it's a man telling her the train is here, it is. Moe shoves the paper into her tote bag quickly entering the subway car, she sits away from the morning rush her airpods in.

She could still smell Carmen and he's apartment on her, not because she was wearing his jacket but because she had slept in his arms tears staining his crew neck as he stroked the hair on her neck till she fell into an alcohol induced sleep, they hadn't spoken about it the next morning he'd simply told her she could come in later than she usually did. She'd walked ten blocks to the station but it felt like one.