Of Thunders, Cigarettes, and Heartbreaks (Sweater Weather Series #1)

Trigger Warning: Homophobic remarks and bodyshaming.

Family

"I don't think he'll give it back anytime soon."

Haru said on the other line. Bumagsak ang katawan ko sa kama at napatitig sa kisame. It's been a week, and up until today, he still hasn't given my keychain back. Even his friends couldn't do anything about it.

Sinubukan ko na humingi ng tulong kay Ysaac ngunit kahit daw siya, hindi rin mapilit si Sanjo na ibalik ang keychain. He wants me to ask for it in person. Pero paano ko naman gagawin 'yon kung hindi ko nga alam kung saan siya hahagilapin?

"Hindi ko nga alam kung saan siya pupuntahan. Isang linggo ko na siyang hindi nakikita sa campus," I replied.

Haru sighed. "Subukan mo kayang huwag muna siya kulitin? Lumayo ka muna para mapatanong din siya sa sarili niya. Baka masyadong nag-eenjoy sa pangungulit mo, e."

Edi may hangin pala ang utak niya kung ganoon. Halos murahin ko na siya sa Facebook araw-araw tapos nag-eenjoy pa siya? Malapit na nga akong umiyak sa inis, e!

"Baka mas lalong hindi ibalik kapag napansin niyang wala na akong pakialam?" I bit my lower lip as I pulled myself up and leaned against the headboard.

"I don't think so," tipid na sagot ni Haru na nagpakunot sa noo ko.

"Huh?"

"Papansin 'yon, e."

I chuckled. Tumango-tango pa bilang pagsang-ayon sa narinig. Kung may premyo nga lang ang pagiging papansin, baka bilyonaryo na siya. Tinodo na, e.

"Okay. I'll try that." I took a deep breath and slouched on my bed.

Wala naman akong choice. I couldn't find him anywhere. At parang mauubos na rin naman ang pasensya ko sa araw-araw na pagtya-tyaga sa mga katarantaduhan niya. His humor is insufferable. Hindi ko na nga alam kung saan pa niya nahuhugot 'yon.

At sa araw-araw na pangungulit ko sa kanya, walang araw na hindi ako napikon. Every word that comes out of his mouth is aggravating. I really wonder how he can manage to maintain that kind of attitude towards anyone, and why his friends have so much patience for it. Kasi kung ako? Hindi ko talaga kaya.

After talking with Haru, I began packing my things for a two-day stay at our house in Cavite. I can't believe I almost forgot about it. Kung hindi ko pa matanggap ang mensahe -- o banta ni Papa, baka hindi ko iyon naalala.

I only packed a few clothes. Uuwi din naman ako sa Sunday. As much as I want to leave as early as possible, I know Papa wouldn't allow me to. Magtatanong pa 'yon kung anong mayroon sa Maynila at bakit uwing-uwi ako.

I stared at myself in the mirror. I'm wearing a gray hoodie paired with black pants and white sneakers. This is not my usual attire. Ito lang iyong style na komportable akong suotin kapag kaharap ang mga magulang ko dahil alam kong mababa ang posibilidad na... punahin nila.

I was raised in a family where soft masculinity was deemed improper. Hindi dapat gan'yan ang suot mo kasi lalaki ka... Hindi dapat 'yan ang gusto mo kasi lalaki ka... Hindi gan'yan, dapat gan'to.

Throughout my life, I have been constantly told how to live it. Nang mapunta ako rito sa Maynila upang mag-aral, doon ko lang naramdaman ang maging malaya. It was as if I finally understood who I truly was. I was able to take control of my own life. I have learned how to embrace my colors.

Kaya naman ngayong nakatingin ako sa salamin, suot ang mga damit na palagi kong gamit sa t'wing umuuwi sa bahay, para akong bumabalik sa nakaraan. It felt like I was being trapped in a dark and isolated room, where my voice would never be heard by anyone.