Myocardium

Part 16

I'm losing either way, so it doesn't matter. 

Also, I didn't cheat!

It's alright though, I don't even want to win. It's much more fun to watch my sibs be happy when they can beat me at it. Their shiny eyes and radiating happiness makes losing way worth it. 

Maybe this world can be a happy place after all. 

We play a lot longer than we should tonight, and I'm in a hurry to get them to bed so I can leave for work.

After saying good night to Sasha and tucking in Daisy, I'm just about to leave her room, when suddenly, she raises her quiet voice, "Eli?"
Silently, I turn back around and whisper back, "Yes, sweetheart?"

"You're the best brother in the world, I love you," she tells me, her words melting my heart like an iceberg in the summer heat.
"I love you too, kiddo. Now sleep well, darling," I speak gently and leave her room, before grabbing my backpack plus keys and make my way through the cold, dark night to my car.  

 On my way to work, I'm listening to some music and the occasional news that play on the radio. I hate driving in silence, it gives my mind too much space to roam around in the dusty shoebox of long-buried memories that I stored away at the very top of an old shelf in my mind that is covered in grime and spiderwebs. 

Music also makes me concentrate a lot better. I'm always one to drive safe, as I really, really can't afford crashing my car. Much too expensive. As I pull in to the parking lot behind the building, I take another few deep breaths to steady myself and prepare for the night ahead of me.

I am aware that I'm late, but it doesn't matter. 

People here aren't usually on time anyway. Also, I'm usually sticking to my schedule pretty well, plus time with my siblings is always way worth being twenty minutes late. Twenty five, to be exact, since I continue procrastinating on and on instead of entering the building with the bright, red sign on it. 

The second I turn the radio off, it's quiet again and with that, my thoughts increase in volume.

Why is it always like this?

My mood swings have been out of control lately. 

When I realize that I can't avoid going in there, I gather all the strength in me and get out of the car, dragging my body through the back door into this hellhole.

As I open the door to the lockers, I immediately catch sight of Rose and Jesse, who seem to be talking about an important matter. 

The both of them look deeply perturbed. 

Concerned. 

Downright disturbed. 

"Hey there, what's...up?" I question hesitantly and have them throw me apologetic looks, neither of them daring to speak. 

Something is wrong, I can tell. 

Very terribly wrong. 

"What is going on?" I repeat myself strongly, feeling how a cold shiver creeps up my spine.
"Kiddo, I'm so sorry," Rose speaks in empathy and has a hard time holding back her tears. 

My heart begins racing and my vision becomes blurry as I begin imagining all the different things she could potentially be crying about. None of what I am thinking could possibly prepare me for the actual reason explaining the staff's behaviour though. 

All I know is that the people in here don't cry about trivial matters. 

"Spit it out! What's wrong?" What used to be a calm voice of mine is now a strong yell as I begin to shiver heavily. I drop my backpack to the ground and take a step closer to the two others who seem to have their lips sealed. 

This isn't fair. 

"Crystal is dead, Eli."

Jesse is the one to break the silence, his voice cold and lifeless. 

My mouth drops open in shock and for a second, my mind goes blank. 

"Nonono, she can't be dead! She was completely fine yesterday night, I-...I mean, w-what do you mean she's dead?!"

The futile protest I attempt is accompanied by the silent tears that are dwelling in the rims of my eyes, as I am pacing towards them, desperately trying to grasp what they're telling me.

"Buddy, I'm so sorry. We just now got the news that she shot herself," Rose explains and the tears tip over the edge, streaming down my cheeks as I sob bitterly. 

"What the fuck?!"

I cry out and sink to the ground, wrapping my arms around my knees while my chest tightens and my breath becomes heavier and heavier. 

Oh, if only I didn't know this feeling way too well.

"I am so sorry....it'll get better, I promise," Jesse miserably tries to comfort me and kneels down in front of me, placing his flat hand on my shoulder. 

His touch is desolate, meaningless.

That's what happens when fucked-up people tend to other fucked-up people's hurt. 

My heart feels numb, almost as if it might have already stopped beating altogether. 

This can't be real, it must be a nightmare. 

There is no way she's dead.

I SAW HER last night, watched her laugh with some old men and being great at her job as per usual. 

No, she can't possibly have shot herself. 

No way.

"Silver, if you want to go home for tonight, it's okay. Boss said he won't be checking attendance today. Just try to rest a bit, maybe that'll make it a bit easier," Jacky, who has just come back from the lounge says with tears in her eyes, but all I do is shake my head and get up from the floor, muttering, "I can deal with it."

All the pain I've lived through, it all replays in my head now. 

Why?

Just. Why?

Before Crystal, my parents have been the only two people who have been ripped out of my life like this. For a long time, I've gotten away with ignoring the matter of death. Ever since Mom and Dad died, I've been refusing to put my mind to it. 

Now that Crystal's dead and I watch everyone suffer too, I have no other choice than to think about it all again. 

Her death raises many questions that are left unanswered. 

Nobody knows why she'd done it, she hid her true feelings completely until now. Perhaps it's because they refuse to give me any details, but my colleagues say that all they've been told is that she's done it and left a suicide note.

The worst part of it – she actually does have a child, a toddler of only four years. When I find out, I fall right back into this trance I was in when Joe broke the news to me. 

All I want to do is hug this kid and tell them it'll all be okay and that they aren't alone. Even if that's something that's hard for me to believe myself from time to time. 

My parents' death is what has made me bulletproof in a way as well. Despite everything, the pain I feel now is nothing compared to what I've gone through before. 

Absolutely nothing. 

In a way, her death makes me feel indifferent, as if she means nothing to me. I felt the same way about Mom and Dad too, it was just a lot more intense – my emotions shut off and my feelings became blurry, all that stayed with me was the pain that tortured me for months and years on end. 

I mean, of course. 

It's evident that I'm still not over it, almost seven years later.