I've been at Arsenal for a month now and I'm starting to get into the rhythm of things. Beth immediately made me feel welcome along with lotte and Alessia. I know the England girls well from camp so the transition from united was pretty easy.
There was one thing I was dreading when I started here and it was seeing Leah. We used to be close. Closer than friends, but one day everything came crashing down. It was as if she completely turned off her feelings for me and I had no idea why. Since then we have barely spoken and every time we are close to each other the air is filled with tension and awkwardness, I hate it. My feelings for Leah seemed to always stay there, lingering in the back of my mind constantly and now that I see her face everyday it's getting harder to keep them from coming to the surface.
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Training ends, and I do the same routine I have done every day since joining this club. Shower, change and walk home. Walking home isn't a choice, I can't drive and I don't want to pay for a taxi everyday so it's kind of my only option as of right now. I don't really mind it but on the days after a brutal training session it doesn't help the burning in my legs.
I know I could ask one of the girls to drive me but I don't want to burden them with that, most of them live in the opposite direction I do so I don't want to make them go out of their way for me. I've kept it hidden that I walk everyday, knowing if Beth found out she would force me into her car against my will and I'm trying to avoid that at all costs
I pull on my jumper and grab my bag, waving goodbye to a few of the girls remaining in the locker room, briefly catching Leah's eye before she looks back to the clothes she's folding into her bag. I savior the fleeting moment, like i do with every strained interaction we have had. I walk outside trying to rack my brain of all the things I could've done to make Leah hate me but nothing comes to mind. Nothing ever does.
I begin my 20 minute walk home, and before I even get halfway there I start feeling little raindrops on my head.
Looking up at the dark angry clouds above me I let out a quiet 'fuck', preparing myself for the inevitable downpour.
That's English weather for you, it was sunny this morning, leading me to make to stupid decision not to bring a coat, which I'm certainly regretting right now.
My body begins to shiver when my sopping hair and clothes stick to me as I continue walking in the heavy rain, making little progress, feeling no closer to home than when I started. Just as I'm starting to consider running the rest of the way home I hear a car beep behind me. When I turn around I see the one person I didn't expect.
Leah has slowed to a stop on the road next to me, holding up a few cars behind her as she waves me over. I cautiously walk to her car as she rolls the passenger window down
"Get in" she says bluntly, taking in my soaked and disheveled appearance
I look around anxiously, weighing my options. I could either continue walking home and risk turning into an icicle or get in the car with Leah. I choose the latter even though I can already feel the awkwardness surrounding us before I even step foot in the car.
I defeatedly open the door and climb into the car, my clothes immediately soaking the seat. Leah gives me one last glance before turning back to the road and starting the car.
We both remain silent, neither of us knowing how to talk to each other after months of not speaking or interacting.
Leah eventually breaks the charged silence
"Why are you walking home in the rain?" She asks but I can't decipher her tone
I think for a few moments, delaying my answer trying to work out if I should lie, but I decide against it, there's no point, she's always been able to see right through me
"No car" i reply honestly
She gives me a glance quickly, confusion lacing her features
"I can't dive, Leah" I tell her sighing, sensing the confusion she is feeling. In all honesty I don't know why I can't drive, I guess I just never had the time to learn
"Taxi?" She questions, her eyes remaining on the road ahead
"Expensive" i quip, replying to her one worded question with a one worded answer
She lets out an agitated sigh and silence fills the car once again, the only sound breaking it is my teeth chattering as I shiver.
Without breaking eye contact with the road she reaches into the back of her car and pulls a jacket into the front, holding it above my lap. Slightly shocked I take it from her grip with a small 'thanks' and wrap my freezing body in it, immediately engulfed in its warmth and the comforting smell of Leah, a smell I haven't had in what feels like forever, a smell I have craved ever since she left.
The smell reminds me of what we were, the memories we have together, little moments we shared that make my heart clench just thinking about them. I was happy, we were happy. I don't understand what went wrong.
When Leah turns the engine off, I snap out of my thoughts, noticing we are outside my apartment. I don't know how Leah knew where I lived but I don't question it. I begin to open the door, wanting to escape as quick as possible, all the emotions beginning to get too much for me to handle. Being this close to her makes me miss her. Even though she is sat next to me I couldn't feel further away from her in this moment. I can feel my eyes burning as I try to fight back tears
Before I can get out of the car I feel her hand on my shoulder, stopping my movements. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying my best to hold the tears that are brimming my eyes. I turn to her, and when I do her face softens. She can see the pain etched on my face, but she ignores it making my heart ache
"I'll pick you up and drop you home from now on. You shouldn't have to walk" she says, her tone sweet but firm
I stare at her, managing to let out a small 'okay' not trusting my words right now and knowing she wouldn't back down due to her stubborn nature. I then swiftly exit the car, closing the door behind me. I immediately suck in a sharp breath feeling like I could finally breathe now her intense stare isn't on me anymore. When I hear her car drive off I make my way inside craving the hot shower waiting for me.
As I stand under the steam of hot water I think about what all this could lead to. I hope our forced proximity could slowly begin to bridge the gap between us. I crave for us to go back to the way we were but I have a feeling that's not possible. But this is a start, a step in the right direction and i will jump at the opportunity to be close to her even if it's not in the way i wish it was.
