a Story

September 12th 2024:

I have thousands of questions, I don't know where to start, I have many things to write about right now, I don't know how to express myself. I am lost, everything is just fuzzy.

My friend forced me to eat after forty eight hours of starvation, I was really willing to die, damn it. I still didn't talk to her, she has been ignoring me, I hate it, a lot. I really wanted to talk to her, I even had a dream about that scene, and strangely enough, she was taller than me, and was wearing a mask, like those we had four years ago. Is there any meaning behind that? 

I was talking to her about why I see my death as the greatest solution for everyone's problem, and she sent a message in a way that maybe she got angry, am I being a delusional again? Do people really care about my life? I wonder even now, why is she still answering? I am not the best person you can have as a friend, I am a pathetically dumb, introverted, ugly asshole, what's lovable about me? 

The only time where I loved someone and was happy with them and had many memories with them, ended up ghosting me too. Why? Each time I fall in love, it's something complicated, or am I the one complicating it? Am I indeed the asshole in each story? Am I indeed the one you should avoid in any relationship because he will hurt you? Am I indeed the bad guy? 

I should have fallen when I climbed that rope thing, head first, falling on the sand, and my neck gets obliterated, everything will end in that moment. Oh, I sure do love coincidences, to think that a friend of mine sent me "better than never", it just makes me pondering on my life choices. Such coincidences just make you wonder, what should I really do now?

September 13th 2024:

We made a plan to talk to her, it didn't work because of something that came up and we didn't think about it, it has been now a whole week and I haven't talked to her, I am the worst friend she can have. If I don't meet her today, I am giving up, I am ending it, no more stories, no more dreams, no more love, nothing, just loneliness and accepting my fate as a loner, that's what's going to happen, I want to end this.

We didn't meet, I am not going to talk to her anymore, I am not going to force her to talk, I am ending it, her friend helped me, she helped me too, I am grateful to them, and now, no more love for the 抖阴社区r, loneliness is what awaits you. I don't think I will fall in love again, there is no heart left to love with, nothing is left anymore, everything is gone. Even if she comes to me, I will just say hi and I will not elaborate, I will never get my hopes up again, never again.

 I am constantly erasing every thought of her, I will forget everything, I don't want to love the memories, they are nothing but memories, nothing but memories, I only need to forget, forget.

September 14th 2024:

Oh, to think you can be happy once again, what an arrogant fool, forgetting her will not change anything. You are being delusional once again, these wounds don't heal, you will always look for company to compensate that lack of love you are feeling, you will always look for someone to love you, and you will always suffer the same fate. You are bound to live like that. This loop will not break, you should pay for what you did, and until they are satisfied, the same scenario will keep on repeating itself, over, and over, and over, and over again. However, it can stop, there is one way, and it is death, the solution to every problem. I will let you think about it. Die now and escape the pain that's coming, or stay alive, and you know the rest. Choose wisely.

God I fucking love piano, Gibran Alcocer is killing it with his songs, and boy it is crazy how I just forget the world and I keep dancing with the music. Damn it has been a while since I have done something like this. And also, I feel more committed to writing here, I am surprised that I am this motivated to write here, is this like the end of life motivation? That would be funny as fuck, especially for me. 

Why am I fucking stupid at math? I hate this feeling, fuck, fuck this shit.

So I am the bad guy again, right? I am being disrespectful to everyone, I am being a dumb person trusting everyone, I fucking hate you and your doubts and your problems, you don't want me to get hurt by people but right now, you are hurting, you are making me angry, you are hindering my capacity to work, and you are shamelessly telling me that this house here is perfect for my studies and work, you are definitely being more delusional than I am right now, than I ever was. And this right here makes me so happy, I can bring your lies to people, and no one will believe you ever again. You lost, and I win. This is my victory. My plan will be successful.

September 15th 2024:

I worked a lot today and yesterday just to forget about her, and each time I remember anything about her, my chest just aches, and I get back to work. To think that being nice brought me nothing but pain, sadness, loneliness, suffering, I still wonder why I want to be a good guy, they said it's rare to find men like me, but am I really that good? I have done terrible things, even now, I am still doing bad things to people, I hurt them, am I really a good guy? They only saw what I did for them until now, they never knew the real me, they will certainly despise me when they will get to know the whole truth, and that good guy image will be gone too. So, are you really a good guy, 抖阴社区r?

I will be scheduling the publishing of these parts before I end them, so that if I were to die, you will still get to read, I don't want you to get bored.