The Light On Your Face For The First Time

How the fuck was she supposed to feel after all that?

She started it, and maybe she shouldn't have in order to compartmentalize her feelings, but the opportunity was so irresistible. Even though all she'd accomplished was piling more confusing feelings on her to-do list of alarming events to make sense of: Redmaw's betrayal of Nightchurch and the Knives, Redmaw's beating and retreat from Beocraft, Redmaw throwing caution to the wind and having sex with her. He wanted her to trust him, but Lotusfoil struggled to pinpoint what kind of person he even was. A violent and stoic brute, or a frightened and wounded pariah? A tender lover or a manipulative backstabber? Who was he?

Lotusfoil couldn't get him off her mind. For the rest of the evening, she patrolled the ramparts by herself, Foxpoison and Wrytangle nowhere to be seen. That was fine. She was better off not sharing her thoughts until she knew how she felt. Or maybe until she got a chance to sleep. The past day (two days?) had been a whirlwind: the displacement event, Redmaw's murder of her, Redmaw's kiss, Redmaw's dethroning, Redmaw's sex, Redmaw Redmaw Redmaw. Even after all that, she still craved his presence, but knew she needed distance. The hours following provided no such thing when all she could do was either imagine his lustful growls, or imagine him getting the shit beaten out of him.

Most beds were occupied by the time she returned to the guard house. A few Knives were still awake, leering quietly at her as she prepared for her shower. When she crawled into bed, she heard whispering, and paranoia murmured that it was about her. Maybe it wasn't. But it probably was. Despite her fatigue, it took another hour to doze off, and in her dreams she revisited the flux of Redmaw's hips beneath her. Once, in the night, she woke up sweating. It felt like a sickness.

She both anticipated and dreaded seeing Redmaw in the morning, but he was nowhere among the masses for their morning assignments. His absence caused more dread than his presence. The Knives milled around restlessly, half of them clinging to Beocraft, the others audibly confused. Foxpoison, Wrytangle, and Blisterwell received Lotusfoil like she was a foreign emissary, ears perked for her latest news.

Lotusfoil didn't know what was safe to divulge—or what she even wanted to divulge—at this point.

"Where's Redmaw?" asked Foxpoison.

"I'm not sure," said Lotusfoil. "Has anyone checked his quarters?"

"They're deliberating that right now," said Wrytangle.

"I shall check his quarters!" Blisterwell announced, turning the entire crowd's heads toward him. He marched on in decisive impatience, cleaving the crowd, leading a few curious observers into the guard house.

"That settles that," quipped Foxpoison.

Beocraft rallied his lackeys and made a beeline for her. A few Knives tailed him: Onyxbend scuttling, Ghostmass trudging, Mattergeist prowling. Lotusfoil tensed as their collective attention heated the air, Beocraft pouring arrogance. "I must have humiliated him last night," he said over his shoulder, then set his sights on her. "Right, Lotusfoil? That's why he slunk off like a dog with his tail between his legs."

Anger ripped to life in her chest. "He was wounded," she shot back. "You all attacked him."

"Because he's been cheating us," said Beocraft. "You understand that, don't you? He even admitted it."

"Is he not entitled to a chance at freedom like everyone else?"

"Sure he is. On the same playing field as everyone else!" snapped Beocraft.

Lotusfoil faltered. Beocraft spoke the truth, and she supported Redmaw, comforted him, pledged herself to him all the same, knowing that Redmaw was the villain. Defending him now would assert her place among the Knives as a traitor just like Redmaw. Even Foxpoison and Wrytangle watched with bated breath for the fate she would seal for herself. "He has noble intentions," she began carefully, and as Beocraft scoffed with his comrades, continued, "but you're right. I shouldn't condone his lies, and I don't. However we must work together if we're going to rid the realm of dangerous shards. He's my teammate, and by extension my duty. His continued service to the Knives is what will keep the Nobles safe."