TRAPPED

               🌺🌺🌺OVIE🌺🌺🌺
     Walking home gave me time with my mind not that I won't be occupied with it at home. What I had done was the pure definition of foolishness, I admit I was drunk,  but isn't the heart honest when the body is drunk.

     Why on earth did I let him touch me again not only that I stayed for hours what was I thinking especially now that I know he's still infact married. The voices in my head were starting to become loud again.

    As long I was occupied I could barely hear them but I had time now,too much time. " You have successfully ruined your life and others just disappear,that's what's best for everybody". I had been dealing passive suicidal thoughts since I became self aware.In simple terms since puberty.

   This is the reason I've always felt the need to please everyone around me, It felt good to see people didn't dislike me. The thought distracted me from the voices who were too curious to know what it's like to be unalive.

   But I was back to square one and maybe this time it won't remain passive. It was already dark out when I got home,how had I not noticed." Sleeping with the man who's the reason why your parents kicked you out  few hours after they kicked you out,do you have no shame? You don't even regret it!"

     Dark thoughts clouded my mind as I went to sleep,maybe I'll wake up and this will just be a dream,maybe. Waking up to a pounding headache I draged my body to the kitchen,the only thing that called me was oats and lots of milk.

     " You do realize that the food your eating is the reason why your gaining weight" Oats are literally fibre  " what does it matter,eat to your hearts content" "eat to your hearts content,so at least you die with a full stomach".

    I wished I could tell them to shut up,the voices. I stuffed my mouth with another spoon when I got a notification on my phone, apparently the haters couldn't get enough of me.

   I always had a bottle of liquid mosquito repellent laying around somewhere, and after scrolling for hours reading all the hateful comments and frantically trying to get a hold of Rose to no avail the bottle was starting to look tempting.

    What was the point of being alive when all I do is mess things up,I couldn't make my parents proud,I couldn't stop loving that cheat nor make him love me back. I was about to drink it when Rose walked in.

    She didn't scream, didn't say anything as she stood there staring at me. Not a word was said throughout her stay. She stayed a week with me, when she saw me with the bottle she just took it away and made more food for me. She doesn't brush me off when I try to initiate conversations just light hums were her responses.

    " Can we talk?" to be honest I didn't know what she wanted to talk about, probably about how you tried to kill yourself idiot.

She waited for me to compose myself before speaking," You are one of the sweetest person I've met and the last thing I want is for you to end it all because of a man."

    " Lately your behavior has been giving me concerns and trust me I've been trying to not be selfish but I just don't want to remain friends with a people pleaser,with someone who is given lemons and thinks it's from nature"

  She was going to leave me,this is the reason why I didn't try to clarify about the poison incident but it looks like it only made things worse. What could I possibly say to make her stay.