My Merc. (deadpool x reader)

((recap)) He recoiled, clearly disturbed by your unconventional move, but didn't let go. "That's disgusting," he muttered, his grip still firm.

"Motherfucker..." you mumbled under your breath, realizing your plan had failed. Wade, seeing your attempt, gave a snort of laughter. "Nice try, babe," he called over. "But I don't think licking's gonna get you out of this one."

You rolled your eyes. This whole day was starting to feel like a bad sitcom.

"Hey!" Negasonic Teenage Warhead warned, her voice sharp.Before she could say anything more, Wade turned on her, cutting her off. "Zip it, Sinead," he snapped, making an exaggerated zipping motion across his lips with his hands, clearly 

referencing her buzzcut in his usual crude style.

She wasn't having it. "Hey, douche-pool!" she shouted, pointing past him.

Wade turned, still completely focused on Francis. "And I hope you're watching—" His voice trailed off as he finally noticed the empty spot where Francis had been moments ago. The sound of a motorcycle revving in the distance made everything click into place.

Wade gasped loudly, throwing his hands up to his face in an over-the-top reaction, mimicking a cheap horror movie scream queen discovering the killer. "Noooo!"

Colossus, always the calm voice of reason, gave a disappointed sigh. "Quite unfortunate..." His tone, dripping with dry humor, made the situation even more frustrating.

Wade frantically looked back and forth between the empty space where Francis had been and Colossus, like a child caught between choosing what to blame first.Meanwhile, you were still hanging limply in Colossus' grasp, your patience long gone. "Shit is about to go down..." you mumbled under your breath, knowing Wade's temper was about to flare.

Wade, still determined despite his rapidly accumulating injuries, continued his one-man assault on Colossus. "That does it!" he shouted, launching himself into the air with an exaggerated leap. As he came crashing down, he aimed a punch straight at Colossus' face. His fist connected... or rather, it crunched on impact. Wade's eyes bulged as his hand twisted unnaturally. "Oh... Canada! That's not good," he groaned, falling to the ground and cradling his now useless wrist.

Colossus, ever the calm voice of reason, looked down at him. "Wade, please," he said, almost like he was scolding a child.

Ignoring the plea, Wade stumbled to his feet and, with his still-functional hand, announced, "Cock shot!" He threw another punch, this time aiming squarely at Colossus' crotch. The result was predictable—his good hand crumpled just like the other one. "Oh, your poor wife," Wade muttered, staring at his now limp hand.

Colossus looked down at him, his concern growing. "You really should stop."Wade, however, had other ideas. He shakily got up again, holding his arms out in front of him, both wrists hanging uselessly toward the ground. "All the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex," he declared with absolute confidence, striking a ridiculous pose.You knew where this was going, but trying to stop Wade was as futile as reasoning with a brick wall. You just shook your head, resigned.

Wade spun in the air, attempting a roundhouse kick to Colossus' face. His foot collided, making an awful crunching noise as it bent sideways, completely ineffective against Colossus' metal skin. Wade crashed to the ground, screaming in agony. "I promise this only gets worse for you, big boy!"

Colossus sighed, looking almost embarrassed for him. "This is embarrassing. Please, stay down."Wade, now a mess of broken limbs and wounded pride, writhed on the ground. But even that didn't stop him. "You ever heard of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest?" he asked, hopping to his feet on his only uninjured limb, wobbling like a drunken pirate.

It was a pitiful sight, but somehow, in classic Deadpool fashion, it was also hilarious.

Colossus, now visibly frustrated, looked down at Wade. "Do you have an off switch?" he asked, clearly at the end of his patience.

Without missing a beat, Wade replied, "Yeah, it's right next to the prostate... or is that the on switch?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Enough!" Colossus bellowed, finally losing his composure. He backhanded Deadpool, sending him flying into the windshield of a nearby car. The glass shattered with a loud crash as Wade slumped onto the hood, groaning in pain.

The moment Colossus released you, you dropped to the ground, quickly scrambling over to check on Wade. Meanwhile, Negasonic Teenage Warhead couldn't help but burst into laughter at the absurdity of it all.

Deadpool slowly began to peel himself off the broken glass, grunting with each movement. "Let's talk to the professor," Colossus said, his voice steady once again. He reached down, picking up one of Wade's arms and handcuffing it to his own. You knew you didn't have a choice but to follow; after all, you were loyal to Wade, even if you had doubts about whether he'd stick by you in a similar situation. That thought lingered for a moment, but you quickly pushed it aside. This was Wade—he'd get out of this. He always did.

As Colossus began to drag Wade away, Wade's other arm healed up rapidly. Without hesitation, he reached for the dagger hidden in his boot and shot a glance your way. "You ever see 127 hours? Spoiler alert!" Wade whispered with a wicked grin, the dagger now slicing into his own wrist.

You couldn't help but watch, morbidly curious as he sawed through his own flesh, the blade cutting through tendons and bones. Colossus raised his arm, lifting Wade into the air as blood squirted from the wound, splattering across the shiny metal of Colossus' face. You tried to stifle a laugh—this whole situation was too ridiculous.

Deadpool continued cutting through his wrist with gusto, eventually severing his hand completely. As soon as his feet touched the ground, he grabbed you by the arm with his remaining hand and, without a word, leaped off the side of the freeway. You followed instinctively, both of you landing on the back of a passing garbage truck with a loud thud.As you both lay there, catching your breath, you glanced over at Wade. "Well... I guess shit hit the fan," you said, a grin tugging at your lips.

Wade chuckled through the pain, nodding in agreement. "Yup. Literally and figuratively."