transformers prime helluva boss crossover 2 (the sequel rewrite)

chapter 5: even primes have problems

Leela: no you don't.

Optimus prime: (off screen) I need another energon cube!

Millie: me and Megs will check on him.

(In the other room)

Optimus prime was watching Ghost Fuckers while there was a bunch of empty energon cubes everywhere.

Bethany: (through TV) oh, okay.  I am getting a real sexy energy from this room.  There is definitely a fuckable spirit here.

Optimus prime: this is definitely better than those horrible Disney movies.

Millie: (off screen) Optimus, are you okay?

Megatron: (off screen) you've been in there for a month.

Optimus prime: go away.

Millie: we're coming in.

Optimus prime: read the chains!

Then Megatron and Millie immediately walked into the room and saw that it was a mess.

Megatron: prime, what are you doing?  You've been in here watching this earth trash forever.

Optimus prime: I'm coping!

Millie: yeah well, you've "coped" away everybody's money.  June's cash especially.

Optimus prime: that stuff is nothing but collectables and I plan to sell them next year.  Then I'll have something to show for it when everything I love is gone.

Millie: okay.  You know, my mama always told me the best way to deal with being sad is the sweat and blood of hard work.  Washes the tears right off.

Optimus prime: not right now Millie.  I have to watch the Ghost Fuckers until I die from a spark attack or overcharging.  Whichever kills me faster.

Megatron: okay, this is obviously not from that incident last month so what other problems do you have?

Optimus prime: I don't have problems!  I've never had any...  And I never will.

Millie: Optimus...

Agent Fowler: (off screen) Prime!

Optimus prime: tell agent Fowler to leave.

Megatron: no, I'll deal with it.

(In the main room of the base)

Agent Fowler: you know, when I heard that prime was having problems I thought he would just rust away in Baltimore, I didn't think he'd turn the base into literal hell!

He said as Millie and Megatron arrived.

Loona: oh look, someone whose job it is to actually listen to you.

Millie: what's going on?

Agent Fowler: well first, general Brice is pissed off that the prime is sulking off and stealing everyone's money to buy--

Loona: no, no, fast forward to the important shit.

Agent Fowler: well, there's been demonic/paranormal activity at abandoned chandelier factories, with gruesome deaths that could make the deaths from the Terrifier movies look PG-13.  Some people are saying it might be... Ghosts!

All of the demons in the room just had awkward faces and looked at each other for a few seconds until...

Caddy: Fowler, I don't know how to tell you this but... when humans die they usually end up in heaven... or in hell.

Agent Fowler: ... what?

Loona: it means ghosts aren't real, Fowler.

Then Optimus immediately ran into the room.