?????? - TMR, Minho

A few weeks later, it feels like everything has gone back to normal. Normal as in even before I lost my memories.

I can't perfectly recall what that normal was like and why it was normal, but these days feel familiar, yet they feel far away. They must be my lost memories.

Which I have been gaining. I know how I faked my own death now. I know why Gally can be a grump— I remembering him joining us in the Maze. I remember losing the bet I had with Zee. I remember doing my best to save Newt. I remember the first time she gave me a butterfly.

It's overwhelming to wake up to memories every single night. Some aren't as nice to remember as others. Some scare me— the fact I've been walking around without knowing about that situation.

Whatever. All of them make me feel guilty. For neglecting them. Not wanting to believe anything but my own mind. Not trusting anyone's words. Everyone's words.

But okay. Zee seems to be doing better now. She gets out of her hammock, she smiles more, she doesn't talk about talking walls— she seems normal.

A bit too normal. No way that her insanity got fixed only because I apologized and asked to start over again. We haven't even talked extremely much the past weeks. I guess we've said 'hi' while passing each other and we have short conversations, but those conversations also include others. It's casual.

So I tell Newt that.

"No way that her insanity got fixed only because I apologized and asked to start over again."

He looks up from his drawing. "That's what I'd call soulmates. Your happiness depends on the situation-ship between you and Zee. Her happiness depends on that, too."

"That's the strangest thing I've ever heard."

Newt shrugs. "It's true, innit? At her worst, your relationship was the worst. And when she was at her worst, you were also at your worst."

"I was not at my worst."

"You were grumpier than ever. You might've not been feeling sad, but you were clearly moody."

I pull a face. "That did not depend on my situation-ship with Zee."

"Uhm, yes, it did? You lost your memories, okay, but who filled all those memories? Who did you start hating? Who was on your mind all day, no matter if it was negative or positive?" Triumphant, Newt raises an eyebrow. "Right. Zee!"

"Soulmates do not hate each other— you know what, I don't even believe in soulmates."

"You hated her. She did not hate you."

"Still. So it's one-sided."

"No. Because you only thought you hated her. But subconsciously, she was on your mind. Your body was... attracted by her. You kept looking for her without intending to—"