So Hello Everyone! Yes yes, I am back, please hold the applause (actually don't I am waiting for a standing ovation and tears)
So I bet you have been wondering where I went and if I was going to write more of these imagines
WELL I AM BACK BABY AND BETTER THAN EVER
I do apologize for my absence. So I will introduce myself and explain some things while doing so and I hope you will understand
First things first, my name. It is not TheFallenGrace39. Crazy right. I do wish to keep my identity private, as I do not wish for my name to be out in the world, so I will stick to being called TheFallenGrace39 or The most amazing wattpad writer of our lifetime, whichever you prefer
I am a 23 year old college student. I have a associates degree in Business and Analysis and I am attempting to obtain my bachelors. This degree has been an incredible amount of stress and time, which is one reason on why I left. Finals were approaching as well as getting more busy at work and it got to be too much. So I took a break and focused on school.
I work at my local movie theatre as a line cook, which has been amazing but also has been busy recently with Wicked coming out (OMG OMG SOOO AMAZING) as well as other big movies, so my schedule got packed very quickly
Finally, lets talk about mental health, as it got really bad for me recently and I needed to reevaluate my priorities and find out where my head was at. I have had really bad anxiety my entire life. It is something I struggle with and probably something I will always struggle with. I have prolonged months where I feel great and think I have overcome these horrible feelings, but they always seem to come back. I want to be transparent with this because I truly believe that when one person talks openly about it, others will connect with them and maybe just maybe, we can all heal each other without knowing. Especially when we have parents, like mine, and are living at homes where you can't truly get the help you need because your parents don't believe in therapy, or make you feel weak because of it.
I had always been shyer as a kid but I truly think my heavy anxiety and want to be liked by everyone started when I was in middle school. I had this best friend who I thought the world of. She was someone I felt like I could be myself around. One day, she straight up told me that I was annoying and to stay away from her. Just out of the blue. I know it probably sounds silly of me to think so much about something that happened so long ago and I have let it effect me for so long, but it has. It is something I am so careful about not that I truly believe it has ruined me in some aspects. Now, whenever I choose to make a friend and get close to someone, the only thing that crosses my mind is am I being annoying? Do I need to leave them alone?
In August, I broke up with my first ever boyfriend. It was a good breakup at first, well I guess as good as it gets. He had an addiction to something that I won't publicly say, but it affected him deeply and started to affect me. He would make me feel like it was my fault that he was struggling with it. Telling me that because I said he did something to kind of upset me, he would do it. It made me really hate myself. After trying everything I could to help and waking up at 5am every morning to make sure he was okay and checking in on him, I finally had enough and told him how uncomfortable I was with it and asked if he could stop. I have him 3 chances and he lied and broke all of them and my trust. I broke up with him over it but stayed in contact to still get him any help that he needs. A month later, he became really gross and weird with me. Taking everything I said or did as flirting with him, such as putting a song on my instagram notes and him assuming if it was about him and messaging me about it. I then found out by a good friend of mine that he was talking bad about me not only throughout the breakup, but through the relationship. Telling people that I was the reason for his addiction and that I kept him away from friends (Which is assenine because I was the one practically forcing him to keep in contact and hang out with his friends). When I heard this... I broke but was forced to put on a happy smile and move on.
I am self critical about everything I do and say now and it affected my writing in this book as well as my others. I started to become critical of how I wrote things or how I delivered a line to where I lost the sole purpose on why I started this... because it made me happy.
I was "introduced" to Kit Connor from heartstopper, as many of us probably were, and was amazed by his acting and kindness in interviews. Funnily enough while I was starting to like him more and look more into his previous works and movies, I found out that he was in one of my favorite films "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society". This was a movie that I had loved for years before even knowing kit connor and to find out he was the little boy in that blew my mind. I had always enjoyed reading wattpad stories and little imagines about my favorite actors or tv characters so I thought, let me try and write my own. I loved it. I was esthetic with all the ideas that poured from my head and seeing the view count go up made my little heart so happy. It still does and I can't believe we are at 1.1k. Its something that was and is far beyond my imagination and I can't thank you guys enough.
While I lost that spark for a while, I think I will be okay now and be back to normal, but as Charlie says in episode 4 " Maybe I won't ever get back to normal, whatever that is. I think thats okay though". We do the best we can. I am going to try to move forward and continue this book. I will be the best writer I can be and most importantly, I am going to be happy while writing it. I am going to think more positively about me, my looks and my life in general.
One of the most proud I have ever been of myself was doing a 18 hour at my junior year of highschool. It was a theatre thing where you could choose to be a writer, director or actor. I chose to put myself out there and choose actor. We had 18 hours to come up with a play and act it out. It was tiresome and was the most nerve-racking thing I have ever done in my whole life. Alas, the time had come for me to go on stage and I did. Nailed my first line, made the audience laugh, but froze when I turned to the audience. Forgetting my line. My biggest accomplishment turned into another embarrassing moment for me to reflect on when I hate myself. The thing is though.. I don't. I can proudly say that I look back at that moment fondly. Thinking how brave I was to be able to get on stage and do the best I can and finish with a happy smile even though I messed up. Its all about perspective isn't it. Instead of trying to find a negative about what I did, I instead found the positive. I found the positive in that moment instead of the negative. I even joined my theatre class my senior year. I did cry on the first day though when I found out I had to improv, but I ended that class with an A and with a full heart that I did something I was passionate about and actually loved.
If you are still reading this, thank you for hearing my side of the story. If it has connected to you in any way, you are not alone. I, along with many others, am here with you and we can learn to not only help ourself but each other.
There is this beautiful speech that is told by one of my favorite artists BTS. The leader, Kim Namjoon states "Please use me, Please use BTS to love yourself."
So as I end this note, about to rewatch Perks of being a wallflower for the 400000000 time and eating chocolate pretzels, by saying this. Please please please use me to help yourself. Even if that happens to be a hate comment or criticism about me or my writing. Get whatever you need to off your chest. I am here for you.
Also, please do not be afraid to send recommendations on prompts you would like to see me write. I am constantly trying to find new ones and would be happy to write ones that you guys can come up with!!
Love to you all,
TheFallenGrace39
