Healing (A Conan Gray x Fem OC) Book 2

millie's pov

the sound of the shower starting was like white noise in the background as i sat on the edge of the bed, staring at my hands. the room felt too quiet without conan's presence, even though he'd just stepped into the adjoining bathroom.

my heart was racing. it had been ever since he'd pulled his shirt over his head with such casual ease, revealing his torso, lean and toned in a way that made it impossible not to notice. and then he'd just said, "i'm going to have a shower," like it was no big deal, like i wasn't sitting there trying not to combust on the spot.

but it wasn't just his body that had me spiraling. it was him—his presence, his voice, the way he'd been so gentle with me earlier in the crowd, staying close when he could've drifted off to enjoy the music with everyone else. it was the way he made me feel safe even when i didn't know i needed it.

and it was the way i knew i'd hurt him.

i couldn't sit still. the walls of the room felt like they were closing in, the weight of my thoughts pressing down on me. i needed air, space, anything to clear my head.

grabbing my phone, i slipped out of the room as quietly as i could. the lodge's living area was empty, emily probably still in her shower and olivia... actually, i wasn't sure where olivia was. i found her outside on the deck, leaning against the railing and scrolling on her phone. she looked up when she heard the door creak open.

"hey, mils," she said, setting her phone aside. "what's up?"

"nothing," i lied, though my voice cracked just enough to betray me. i walked over to the railing, gripping it tightly and staring out at the dark silhouettes of trees against the faint glow of the festival lights in the distance.

"you sure?" liv's voice was soft, but there was something knowing in her tone. she'd always had this way of seeing right through people. it was both comforting and terrifying.

"i just needed some air," i said after a moment. "that's all."

liv didn't say anything for a while. she just stood there, waiting, like she knew i'd crack eventually. and of course, i did.

"i still like him," i blurted out, my voice barely above a whisper. the words hung in the air, heavy and fragile. "and i don't know what to do about it."

liv turned to look at me, her brows knitting together in concern. "conan?"

"yeah," i said, exhaling shakily. "but it doesn't matter. it's not like he feels the same. and even if he did... he doesn't deserve this. he doesn't deserve me messing up his life again."

liv frowned. "millie, you didn't mess up his life."

"i did," i said, my voice breaking. "i've already hurt him so much. i... i can't do that to him again."

liv's expression softened, and she placed a hand on my shoulder. "mils, listen to me. conan was the happiest i've ever seen him when he was with you. i'm not saying everything was perfect, but... you made him happy. you still do. if you just talked to him about all this, i think he'd understand."

i shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes. "i did talk to him. he was... he was so mad at me. he said i couldn't just walk back into his life. and he's right."

liv hesitated, like she was choosing her next words carefully. "millie, that was a really rough time for him. he was..." she trailed off, biting her lip.

"he was what?" i pressed, my voice trembling.

she sighed, glancing away for a moment. "he was depressed. he was drinking a lot, and..."

"he was drinking?" i interrupted, my heart dropping. the tears that had been threatening to spill over finally did, streaking down my cheeks as the weight of her words sank in. "liv, the only time conan drinks is when he's..."

"i know," liv said quickly, her voice filled with regret. "i shouldn't have said anything, but... yeah. he was in a bad place for a while. but he's been doing better lately. he's happier, millie. and you... you're part of that."

i shook my head, my shoulders shaking as sobs wracked my body. "i've hurt him so much," i choked out. "he deserves so much better than this... than me."

liv pulled me into a hug, wrapping her arms around me tightly. "stop it," she said firmly. "you're not giving yourself enough credit. yeah, things were messy, but you're here now. you care about him. that's what matters. and i know he cares about you too. you just have to give it a chance."

we stayed like that for a while, me crying into her shoulder while she held me and whispered reassurances. the sound of the shower turning off in the distance brought me back to the present, and i pulled away, wiping at my eyes with trembling hands.

"mils, it's going to be okay," liv said, giving me a small, encouraging smile. "you're stronger than you think. and you don't have to figure it all out tonight. just... take it one step at a time, okay?"

i nodded, though i didn't entirely believe her. "thanks, liv. i... i needed that."

she gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "anytime."

just as i turned to head back inside, the door to the lodge creaked open, and conan stepped out, his hair damp and tousled from the shower. he was wearing a white singlet and pyjama pants, his expression soft and unreadable as his eyes flicked between me and liv.

"hey," he said, his voice gentle. "i'm done in the shower. it's your turn."

"okay," i said quickly, avoiding his gaze as i brushed past him and headed inside. my face felt hot, and my heart was racing again, this time for a completely different reason.

once i was in the privacy of our room, i closed the door and leaned against it, taking a shaky breath. then, without giving myself time to think, i grabbed my things and headed into the bathroom, letting the sound of the water drown out the whirlwind of emotions threatening to consume me.

as the warm water washed over me, i closed my eyes and tried to focus on the present. but no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't shake the image of conan standing there, his voice so soft and his eyes so kind. and i couldn't help but wonder... maybe liv was right.