Letters I Can't Send

Draco's POV

Jealousy is a strange thing. I could be jealous of anything at all and the last thing I thought I could be jealous of would be Potter getting tutored by Y/n.

But I have good reason to. She tutors me, and not Harry Potter. It's aggravating. And, what's more, she shouldn't be near that git anyway.

I've been brushing past her in the hallways, in the courtyard, holding a grudge she doesn't even know exists.

But tomorrow is the first task and maybe we'll see Potter get eaten by the dragon—and her tutoring him will all be a grand waste.

Tonight, we are having a small gathering in the Slytherin common room to cheer on Cedric and the rest of us who are praying for Potter to fall on his face and get stepped on by the dragon.

Of course, there's no alcohol—the older students are "responsible" and are hiding the drinks from us. But none of us really know what to do at something like this, so we just...mingle.

As soon as I walk into the common room, it's loud—everyone is talking, there's muggle music. I push through throngs of people and try to get to the stairs to my dorm.

Again, some of the older kids are starting to get a little tipsy. I spot Y/n in the crowd, talking to Quinn and some of her dorm members and I ignore the temptation to go and bug her.

A hand claps on my back and I know immediately that it's Blaise.

"Bro, are you ready for tomorrow?" he says, his voice raspy, like he's been yelling. I hear a fit of familiar giggles and Pansy comes up behind Blaise, running into his back. She freezes when she sees me, but I see her holding back another surge of giggles.

I shrug off Blaise's hand on my back and grumble something to myself before pushing through more people, leaving the two of them.

When I finally reach the steps, I jog up them, and ponder the thought of Blaise and Pansy. Pansy has always been attached to Blaise in a clingy sort of way, but she was also like that with me.

As I pull on different clothes, I think about her. She's such a mystery to me—while Pansy was an open book. Pansy clung to me, needed to be around me, stared at me, drooling. It's like she was trying to be this mysterious girl, even though she wore her feelings on her sleeve. But then she'd gawk at Blaise for a day and choose me the next. The worst part about it is that I didn't even care. Well, I barely did. I took advantage of her need for my attention as an ego boost, and a way to fill the empty gap inside me. But it never fully occupied the gap.

I don't even know what the gap really is, but I know I wanted it gone, I wanted it filled, while at the same time, scolded myself for wanting it.

Then, I wasn't sure what this "gap," this void inside me was. But now, I realize, that it's...love. Hope. Tenderness.

And the thing I hate the most to even think about is that Y/n sometimes fills that emptiness. If I'm close enough to her—like when she is vulnerable, or even when I'm physically close to her. It fills the empty space inside me, just a little bit.

And last year, when I kissed her twice, it almost like it was the void, that I didn't know existed, acting upon itself. Like part of me knew I needed her, but I wasn't ready to admit it to myself. But now, now that I know what that gap really is, I can begin to admit it to myself.

And I can't name it exactly yet, but I know that I feel a need for Y/n. A caring for her. No matter how barbaric and upsetting it is, or how much it makes me scoff, how much I know my parents would disapprove, how much my friends would roll their eyes, and how much she, herself, would protest, I do care.

So when I kissed in my dorm this year, it was because I needed to confirm my realizations. The thoughts keeping me up at night and things I would never dare tell anyone, including her.

This something is a secret.

And when I look in the mirror before I head downstairs again. I don't see myself in the mirror. I see and all-too-vulnerable-boy with blonde hair and a pissed-off attitude who likes a girl. 

I need to snap out of this.

.........

A few students from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons are here just for the party—we know they don't want Cedric to win.

I push past people to find Blaise again, but everyone is giddy, excited, overly hyped. It's overwhelming. I wish the thoughts I strung up in my head would leave and make room for everything else. I wish I could enter a room and not notice her presence immediately. I wish I could forgive myself for admitting the things I wish were not true.

Then someone comes running down the steps of the girls' dormitories. She shouts, "Y/n!" I freeze. "There's an owl tapping on our window—I think it's for you."

a/n: ...the internal confession????? He's so cute I love him lololol. But that was a short chapter, I know, I just needed to make this one and the next one a bit shorter, just to add the right info and plot details and stuff.