Thin Ice

Cassie:

I walk outside of the house, and the cold immediately reaches me. I wrap my arms around myself and start walking away. Earlier, I had sent a pin to Jenny, so she knows where I am, but I really didn't want to ask her for a ride. I had no other option though.

Devin's neighborhood is a lot different than mine. As I'm walking, I see house after house covered in lights or with decorations in their front yards. My circle of houses are all just pristine, white, unnecessarily big blocks.

My phone buzzes again, and I pull it out of my pocket.

[Jenny: Almost there. Whose house were u at?]

[Me: I'll tell you in person]

I slip my phone back into my pocket and start feeling like a mess. Of course, I'll have to tell Jenny everything, and she'll just tell everyone else that she knows immediately. I start walking faster, trying to get further from Devin's house. It's not that I'm worried that a bunch of people I know will get curious and try to find his house or anything once they hear from Jenny, but being friends with me kind of puts you on the market. Everyone will try and find him, befriend him, and I'm not ready for him to be anyone else's yet which is so hypocritical because I left because of the fact that he couldn't be mine.

I stop in the middle of the sidewalk. Do I want him to be mine? I start walking again. No, no I don't. He's a really good friend to me, and I think his pretty eyes are getting to my head. And his personality. And the fact that he acts like he's genuinely interested in me instead of what I'm doing for him. Speaking of our deal, I should do more. I should post more pictures, talk about him more, host parties to invite him to, but I just can't. I know my end of the bargain was helping him make more friends, but a part of me doesn't know how. How do you teach someone how to become friends with people you've never been able to connect with yourself? Things seemed to go well with Knox, Faham, and Jordan, but they haven't hung out at all.

I groan. I need to do something about this. About him. About the way I almost just macked out with him in the middle of his kitchen.

I hear a car roll up behind me, and I brace myself. The car stops right beside me, and I play with the idea that maybe it's Devin. Maybe he chased after me all this way to tell me he regrets leaving. I turn, and Jenny waves at me to get in. I take a deep breath.

"Hey, Cassie! So who's house were you at, and why are you walking?" Jenny immediately asks when I get in, ignoring my fallen face. I try to fix my expression while closing the door.

"Devin's," I say with a confident smile that quickly falters.

"What happened? Did he do something?"

"No, he didn't. My mom just wants me home, you know how she is," I shrug, but I know Jenny's going to tell one of her other friends what happened, and rumors will already start about the boyfriend I've only taken somewhere once. After the party, I got a lot of messages from random people at my school that, at the time, I tried to respond to. Who was he? Are you guys serious? Can you host another party sometime?

Jenny looks over at me, a faux sympathetic look on her face, and I imagine what she's going to tell people like news headlines, "Cassie Adams Winter Fling Already Over?" or, "Relationship Fallen Down Just Like Her Skating Career."

"Are you sure? Because if something happened, you can tell me. I won't tell anyone else." Yah right.

It's hard to keep the snappiness out of my voice when I respond with, "Nothing happened."

"Ok, geez," We drive a little in silence before she breaks it, "Are you going to ask about my leg?"

"Oh, sorry, how's your leg?" I look over, slightly confused about how she's driving before remembering she broke her left one.

"It's good, I'm getting the cast off soon. I wanted to get it off before the date this weekend, but I don't think that's going to happen. No amount of pleading will make Dr. Robins bend to my will," She laughs a bit, and I push a laugh out. Fake laughing is so much harder after not having to fake it with Devin.

"Yah, Knox is really excited about things," The car screeches to a halt, and my hand flies out in front of me, bracing myself against the dash, "What the heck, Jenny?"

"Knox?" She screeches and whips her head towards me.
I freeze, and my whole body starts to sweat, but it all of a sudden feels terribly cold in the car, "Did I say, Knox? That's crazy," I fake laugh again, but her nostrils flare.

"I can't believe you! You know what he did to me!"

"Knox and Devin are friends! I thought maybe it'd be a way to get you two to make up. Knox wants to! Do you know how bad he feels about the whole situation?"

"Not bad enough to apologize, obviously."

"You blocked him!"

"That doesn't matter," She looks at the road, at my neighborhood that we almost reached, "Get out."

"Fine," I slide out and slam the door behind me, but then I hear her window roll down.

"You've always been a terrible friend Cassie. I do so much for you, and I get nothing in return. You don't even care about the fact that I can't skate even though it's always been my passion. Do you know how jealous I am of you? You get to skate perfectly fine, and you don't use that opportunity simply because you don't want to. Maybe your mom wouldn't be so hard on you if you actually tried," She drives away, a gust of cold wind following in her wake, and I gasp. From what? I don't know. The sudden shock of cold from being outside, or the words that I'm wondering might be true. I don't want to admit to myself that it's the second reason.

I turn to look at my neighborhood, which is a short walk away, and start moving toward it, but I don't want to go home. Maybe Jenny's right. Maybe it's never been the other people. Maybe people have been trying, and I've just cut them off because I expect everyone to be like my parents. Like my mom, cold, ruthless, self-centered. Like my dad... my dad that I try not to think about. My dad, who my mom refuses even to acknowledge his existence. My dad, who truthfully only calls us when he needs something. All my life, I've been surrounded by those two and skating. That's it. I could've reached out though. I could've fought against my mom. I could've told my dad no every time he called just to ask for a few hundred dollars. Ever since my parents got divorced, it's been hard. My mom changed the whole trajectory of her life towards me and skating. All that matters to her now is the fact that I can skate because it's how she gets away from her reality. The reality that my dad started stealing from us soon after they had me, gambling away my mom's hard-earned funds. I try to never think about him or talk about him because, just like my mom, I wish he didn't exist either. If he never existed, maybe my mom would be with someone who loves her. Maybe she wouldn't be so focused on her weight and how she looks to the rest of the world. Maybe she wouldn't be so freakishly focused on me just because I'm a good distraction and not because I'm her daughter.

The thing is though, I can't blame my parents for who I am. I've always taken pride in the fact that I'm confident, in the fact that I'm not afraid to say whatever I want, but truthfully? It's all a lie, isn't it? It's all a ploy, so I can keep telling myself that I don't need anyone, and no one needs me. I can say again and again that my parents made me this way, that I expect people to be like them because they're all I've ever known, but they're all I've ever known because I've never been confident enough to reach out myself. I'm popular because people come to me. I'm mysterious and confident, but I disappear as soon as the party's over.

I collapse onto the sidewalk, my knees scratching on the concrete. Who am I? Really.
My fingers fumble to my phone, and the screen automatically lights up. I could call Devin, and he would help me. I could call my dad only to have him turn it around, so he's the victim. I need to talk to my mom.