Afraid of love

My heart raced, and fear lingered, yet I was prepared to confess. I opened my mouth, but no words emerged. I found myself unable to speak. I didn't even know how to describe it. It was like drowning, gasping for air, but knowing you would never actually sink. It was one of the worst feelings I had ever experienced. I kept trying... but to no avail.

Matt turned around and said, "Are you okay?"
I was still processing what was happening. And then I looked at Matt, "Yeah, sorry, I am fine."
But Matt knew I was lying. He quickly sat next to me and said, "You have been acting strange since you came here. Are you sure you don't want to tell me something?"

At that moment, I wanted to confess, but I couldn't. Only the thought of confessing made me sick. I didn't know what to say or what to do. I was lost once again. Then, I felt something sliding down my cheek. Was I crying?

I started panicking. I didn't know what to do; I started crying in front of the boy I loved. I was so scared, confused, and angry. I felt everything and nothing at once. And then, before I knew it, my body moved on its own. I ran out of his room and straight out of the house. As I ran, I glanced back once and saw Matt's confused, saddened face. I wanted to explain to him what had happened, but now... I couldn't.

After a few minutes, I was home. I came to my room and sat on my bed. I was still trying to understand what the hell happened. I had my plan in my mind, but everything still failed... Tears began to fall down my cheeks once again. I felt like a human without a soul. I felt completely lost. Maybe I should just keep my feelings and hide them for the rest of my life.

After I stopped crying, I wanted to get some rest, so I took a quick nap. When I woke up, I checked the time, and it was about midnight. But that was not the only thing that I saw; there were a lot of notifications from Matt.

[Matt]
Mike, please answer my calls. We
can talk if you want.

I know something is bothering you,
so please answer me.

If I have done something wrong
I am sorry.

"Why is he apologizing?" I thought. He didn't do anything wrong... but I did.

[Matt]
You know you can talk to me
about everything. I will listen.
But I won't force you into
talking with me. I hope you will
text me when the time is right.
I hope you will get better :)

How can he not be mad at me? I just ran off his home without saying anything, and he texted me if I was alright. How can he be so caring... I just don't get it. "I should probably text him back." I thought. But what should I reply? I am sorry. I didn't mean to run off. I was confused back then. Or maybe I should just reply with an emoji? Ahhh, I can't even reply to him.

[Mike]
I am sorry for tonight.

[Matt]
You did nothing wrong. I should
have stopped you and asked you
what was happening. I am sorry.

[Mike]
Why are you apologizing?
You did nothing wrong. It was
all my fault.

[Matt]
Alright, let's not argue over
who's to blame. I just want to
know if you are alright.

[Mike]
I am alright. But I need to think
for some time.

[Matt]
Ok, I just wanted to know if you
were alright. If you want
to talk, just text me, alright?

[Mike]
Alright. Thanks for texting me.

I didn't think this conversation would end this way. Is he giving me a second chance? Well, that is maybe why I love him, he can give people second chances. And I am sure that I will come more prepared for my second chance. But now, I need to rest.

In the morning, I woke up, and I was feeling pretty good even though I failed to confess my feelings. And this was all thanks to Matt; he gave me another chance that I wanted to use. I started preparing again, but this time mentally. I was preparing myself for any response to my confession. I think that I failed last time because I was scared of his reaction. So maybe when I am ready for anything, I won't get scared.

A week passed, and I was now holding my phone and thinking about texting Matt. I wanted to text him if I could come to his place and maybe talk to him. I was still a little bit afraid, but now I was more prepared to say what I wanted.

[Mike]
Matt, do you think that
I could come over?

I texted this message, and he replied in a matter of seconds.

[Matt]
I would be happy to
see you. When would you
like to come?

[Mike]
Umm... maybe next week on Saturday?

[Matt]
Alright, next week, Saturday.
Don't worry, I won't invite others
I feel that you want to talk with me
alone.

[Mike]
How did you know?

[Matt]
I was just guessing :)

[Mike]
Alright then, see you.

How did he know that I wanted to talk to him alone? Did he read my mind? I am overthinking again. At least I am happy that I have another chance to finally confess my feelings. From here, my day went pretty normally. I would still get scared throughout the day about confessing, but I kept telling myself that this was my second chance, and it was given to me for a reason—I couldn't just throw it away.

When evening came, Matt started texting me about random things, like how I was feeling or how my day went. I think he was still afraid that I wasn't okay. After about two hours of texting with him, I fell asleep. I actually thought I wouldn't get much sleep, but he helped me.

While I was asleep, he sent me one more message.

[Matt]
There's something I've
been meaning to tell you lately...
Or never mind, forget it.