To Love An Addict

Chapter Forty-One
Nate

I have a conscience. In my head, the voice of an angel. Tessa. I shouldn't be here, at a gathering of fifteen or so teenagers. All high off of their heads, unaware of what state their in. I should be at home, enjoying dinner with my family. I shouldn't be lying to my father, using good Tessa as an excuse for my absence. I shouldn't be lying to my Tess, using my caring father as an excuse for my slow replies. I don't listen to my conscience as I make myself comfy on the couch, joint between my lips.

I'm back at Jamie's house--his mother has left again--and he's hosting a small, friendly, totally legal gathering. I've come here for the free drugs, that in an hours time, nobody will know are missing. My dad's limited how much money I can spend or draw out--which is something I didn't know he was capable of. I thought crying on his shoulder and admitting my thoughts to Tessa might cool him off a bit, make him assume I'm trying to change. Instead, he's tightened his grip on me.

"Nathan, get up here a second." Jamie calls from the stairs, beckoning me up. I stand up before I'm vomited on, and make my way upstairs. I follow him into a bedroom--his I'm assuming from the half-naked posters stuck to his wall with some tape. We aren't alone in here, there are two other girls, sprawled across his bed, snorting cocaine. "This is Naomi. Naomi, meet Nate. He needs some loving in his life."

I lean against the closed door and shake my head with a smile. "No, Jamie, you've got it all wrong." I chuckle, "any one of those horny, virgin little fucks downstairs would come here for that reason. I am not, and you know it."

He laughs, dragging me further into the bedroom. Naomi--the tall red-head with piercing green eyes--lays down and smiles at me. It's a desperate, fuck me smile. I don't smile back, but I eye up the line of coke she's laying out across her stomach. "I figured since the girl you spoke so passionately about last time said she wasn't your girlfriend, I'd find someone that would work."

"She wasn't then. We're... something now." Naomi pouts at my honesty, but offers me the line anyway. "Apologies, sweetheart." I say as I take the crumpled note and roll it between my fingers.

"Well then, Nathaniel. You've still done good. She's hot. Very hot." Jamie admits, patting my back. Don't I know it. "You're still taking it though, aren't you?" He asks, gesturing to Naomi, patiently waiting. I smirk, lean low, and remove the line from her stomach, licking the remains with the tip of my tongue. She giggles at this, biting her bottom lip. I stand straight, she sits up and links her finger around the loop in my jeans, holding me in place.

Conscience re-enters. Go home, you really shouldn't be here. I push it aside, thoughts for a later date. "You're one messy fucker." Jamie chuckles, shaking his head.

"I actually needed to talk to you." I state, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. He nods, gesturing for me to leave the bedroom with him. The two girls whine at our departure, I don't give them a second thought. "You know I wouldn't usually ask..."

"Are you kidding me?" Jamie chuckles, "dude, you're like my number one. What do you need?"

I explain my situation in little detail. Swear I'll pay him back next week ask for just enough to get me by. He agrees, says of course man, and disappears back into his bedroom. He returns a few moments later with a small plastic bag. "Listen, all I can really get you is this. It isn't a lot, it'll get you by for the week. Pay me back whenever, man." I appreciate Jamie to an extent. I'm not here to make a friend, I'm here for what I came for—a fix to my situation.

I linger for an hour longer, accepting of more drugs than my body should be able to handle. I leave with a stumble out of the door and towards my car. The only reason I have it, is because I'm convincing him with my only viable excuse. Tessa.

My sweet, good, honest, innocent Tessa. My do-no-wrong Tessa. My caring Tessa. My excuse, Tessa. My salvation.

I sit in my car for a while, mind as still as my body. I stare ahead, think the things I shouldn't. Can I really get everything that I want? I have it all, right now. I have Tessa, I have control, I have what I need. I want to keep it, I can keep it.

I start my car, the familiar rumble settles me as I get on the road. My mind is a haze, I but I'm on high alert. When a car unexpectedly pulls out in front of me, I slam my breaks before I rear-end. I don't know where I'm driving until I get there. Tessa's house.

Pulling out my phone, I send a quick text. You up? I wait for a moment, until my phone lights up in my hand. Yes.

I invite her outside, I've climbed up to her window on countless occasions, but now that I've stopped moving, my legs feel numb. Taking a deep breath, I anxiously wait for Tessa to come outside.

She's pulled on a hoodie to cover her thin pyjamas, rushing to the warmth of my car. She climbs in, kisses my cheek, and smiles up at me, "how was your dinner?"

"Good, it was good. Very tasty." She nods, pulling her knees up to her chest, "I missed you. Wanted to drop by."

"And you have a car. I thought your dad was barely letting you use it?" I silence her with a kiss.

"I said I was coming to see you." It's not a lie, I did tell him that. Just not...fifteen minutes ago. She smiles, and then she hums to herself, nuzzling her face into the crook of my neck. I bask in this, the closeness we've created.

The closeness—that at any time—I can break. Corrupt. Ruin.

I am selfish.

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A/N: another smaller chapter.