??????????? - TMR AU, Newt.

Everything feels so far away. My mind's blurry, and the world is twisting, like I'm stuck inside a snow globe that's been shaken too hard. I try to focus on something—anything—but it's all out of reach. The edges of my thoughts are hazy, slipping away like water between my fingers.

I don't even know why I did it again. I told myself I wouldn't. I promised I wouldn't. But here I am, just... floating. I can feel the buzz in my veins, a numb kind of warmth that sinks deeper the more I let it take me. And maybe it's for the best. Maybe it's easier this way, not thinking about everything. Not thinking about him.

Kallias.

I can't escape him. Not really. Not when he's been here, in my head, buried deep for so long. He's... not good for me. I know that. He makes me feel like I'm drowning every time I look at him. But then again, I can't stop looking. I can't stop thinking about how he ruined everything. How he ruined me.

I should've stopped when I had the chance. When it was just a stupid habit, when I could live and feel without it. But I didn't. I let myself hide behind these stupid pills, that won't do anything but worsen my pain.

I can't be fixed. I know that. But not everyone around me gets it.

They don't get how deep I've sunk, how hard it is to climb back up when I'm always slipping down.

I hurt Kallias, too. I know that. And the worst part is, I don't even feel it the way I should. The guilt's there, floating, somewhere just out of reach. But it's fuzzy, like everything else. I can't grab it, can't hold onto it.
I'm just... tired. So tired of running from everything. From him. From what he did. From myself.

But I can't stop. Every time I try, I end up here. In this mess. In this numbness. And it's easier to stay in it than to face the mess I've made of everything and everyone around me.

I tell myself it's fine. It's fine. It's not. But the more I repeat it, the more I believe it.

I heard a banging sound which snapped me back to reality. It was distant and insistent, though I had no idea where it was coming from.

I'm not high enough to be imagining things. Or so I tell myself.

But no, it can't be my imagination.

The sound was too sharp, too real, cutting through the thick fog in my head.

It took me a solid five minutes just to understand that someone was knocking on my door. Five more minutes to drag myself up, stumble over something—probably nothing—fall, get up again, and finally make it there.

When I opened the door, I didn't know who was standing in front of me. My vision blurred at the edges, and I stayed frozen, swaying slightly as they threw their arms around me, holding on like they were afraid I'd disappear.

It must've been a girl—I noticed that much.

Before I could say a word, she pulled back—and slapped me. Hard.