Beyond The Illusions

The outpatient treatment facility's group therapy room was painted in soothing sage green, but all Meredith could think of was that that was the color Derek wanted to paint the nursery- a decision he made without even considering her opinion. The walls were adorned with motivational posters that the blonde found both trite and oddly comforting. She sat in one of the circle of chairs, her fingers absently twisting her engagement ring – a nervous habit that she had been engaging in more than usual ever since she began letting Addison take the night shift with Luca two weeks prior.

"Would anyone like to share today?" Dr. Chen asked. Meredith shifted in her seat uncomfortably. When Dr. Wyatt recommended this particular program, she warned Meredith that the group therapy sessions were run by one of the intern's in New York who left surgery because of Derek. She ended up becoming a trauma counselor and relocated to Seattle where she was hired at the outpatient center the same year that Meredith was an intern and found herself caught in Derek's web. At first, she wasn't sure that she would be comfortable being face to face with someone who managed to escape the web before it was too late, but then she realized that there would be at least one person in the circle who would believe her and know that she wasn't crazy.

Meredith hadn't planned to speak. She'd been attending the program for two weeks now, and she spent the mandatory group therapy sessions mostly observing, occasionally nodding in recognition at others' stories. But today felt different. Maybe it was because Luca had slept through the night for the first time, or because Addison had kissed her goodbye that morning with such tenderness it made her heart ache. "I will," she heard herself say, surprising even herself. She cleared her throat, aware of the eyes turning toward her. "I'm Meredith, and I'm here because..." she paused, gathering her thoughts. "I'm here because I'm terrified of becoming my abuser." The words hung in the air, heavy with truth. From the corner of her eye, she noticed one of the participants shift in their seat, but she kept her focus on her hands. "I have a son, he's almost seven months old and every time I hold him, every time he cries, there's this voice in my head wondering if I'm capable of the same violence that was done to me." She took a deep breath. "When I was pregnant the first time – not with my son, it was about a year before I got pregnant with Luca– my husband pushed me during an argument. I lost the baby." Someone gasped softly, but Meredith continued, the words flowing now that she'd started. "He apologized, said it would never happen again. But it did. Over and over, in different ways. The physical abuse, the emotional manipulation, the way he'd make me question my own reality. When I got pregnant the second time, I didn't want to tell him, but when he caught me throwing up about a week after I found out, I didn't have a choice but to tell him. At that point he wasn't hitting me and I didn't believe that he was physically abusive, but I was still scared. Derek was..." she searched for the right word. "Cruel. And I had learned a long time ago that it was best to stay on his good side, so I told him that I thought I was pregnant. He never found out that I lied and had already known for a week and considering how he escalated during my pregnancy, that lie about me not yet knowing and him never putting together that it was in fact a lie, may have saved both mine and Luca's lives." She wiped the tears from her face and took a shuddering breath.

"How does this affect your relationship with your son now?" Dr. Chen prompted gently.

"I'm overprotective. I know I am. I barely let anyone else hold him, even my fiancé, who's amazing and patient and everything my ex-husband wasn't. I check his breathing constantly. I'm terrified of leaving him at daycare, even though it's literally in the hospital where I work." Meredith laughed humorlessly. "I'm a surgeon. I'm supposed to be rational, logical. But when it comes to Luca, I can't think straight sometimes. Addison, that's my fiancé, she says that it's understandable considering everything that I went through during my pregnancy, but I don't want him to grow up afraid. A couple of weeks ago, the same day I started coming here actually, he rolled over for the first time." She smiled proudly. "He was so pleased with himself, then he looked at me and I might have been imagining it, but for a split second I swear I saw him almost look scared."