Beyond The Illusions

8

"Do you think that he was scared of you?" Dr. Chen asked, but Meredith quickly shook her head no.

"I don't think he was scared so much of me as he was scared that I was going to freak out and wrap him in bubble wrap." Meredith explained quietly. "When I found out about my ex husband's death and my ex mother in law's intention to go to court for visitation of Luca, I held him so tight against my chest that when I finally let go his face was beet red." She felt tears stream down her face at the memory. "He's used to my anxiety, it's really the only version of me that he knows. I didn't even get to enjoy my pregnancy, because I spent the entire twenty nine weeks that I carried Luca in survival mode. My ex husband starved me, he beat me, I was hospitalized for high blood pressure twice, and then I finally got away, but he still found ways to torture me. Then at our divorce hearing, he scared me so badly that I went into labor and Luca could have died, he still could. Two weeks ago he was hospitalized for three days because he stopped breathing while he was in daycare and they had to do CPR. I am terrified of losing him and he feels it, so when he rolled over I think a part of him thought that I wouldn't be happy."

"How did you feel when he rolled over?"

"I was so happy and so proud of my little monkey." Meredith smiled through her tears. "He's growing up so fast and I want him to grow up happy and unafraid. I want him to be independent, but letting go is... terrifying."

As she spoke, she didn't notice the dark-haired woman in the back of the room who had gone completely still, her hands gripping her chair's armrests so tightly her knuckles had turned white. After the session ended, Meredith was gathering her things when a familiar voice stopped her cold. "Meredith?" She turned slowly, her heart hammering in her chest. Amelia Shepherd stood before her, looking both smaller and more vulnerable than Meredith had ever seen her. Gone was the confident and slightly inappropriate woman that Meredith knew when she was married to Derek. This Amelia looked haunted. "I didn't know you'd be here," Amelia said quickly. "I mean, obviously. I'm here for... well, it doesn't matter. Would you maybe want to get coffee? To talk?"

Meredith's first instinct was to refuse, to run. But something in Amelia's expression – a mixture of guilt and genuine concern – made her pause. She pulled out her phone, checking the time. "I need to check on Luca first." she said, already dialing the hospital daycare's number. After confirming that he was fine, having just finished a bottle with Addison who had stopped by during her lunch break, Meredith nodded. "Okay. Coffee. But just for a little while."

They walked in silence to a small café across from the treatment center. It wasn't until they were seated with their drinks – herbal tea for Amelia, strong coffee for Meredith – that either of them spoke. "I didn't know," Amelia blurted out. "About the baby. The first one. Derek never told us."

Meredith stared into her coffee. "Why would he? It would have ruined his image as the perfect son, the perfect brother, the perfect surgeon."

"He was like our dad," Amelia said, her voice quiet. "At least, he tried to be. Dad only drank at Christmas, just one glass of wine. Derek was the same way. That's why I'm so confused about... about how he died. Drunk driving? It doesn't make sense."

Meredith's hands tightened around her cup. "People aren't always who they seem to be, Amelia. People change, sometimes for the worst. You of all people should know that."

"I do know that. God, do I know that." Amelia ran a hand through her hair. "I should have said something. When I saw how he treated you, I just laughed. But I was... I was so high most of the time I saw you guys, I barely registered anything beyond my next fix. He treated you like a dog, and I just... I let it happen. I am sorry, Meredith."

The raw honesty in Amelia's voice made Meredith look up. She saw tears in the younger woman's eyes.
"You were dealing with your own demons," Meredith said softly. "And honestly? You were always my favorite Shepherd. The only one who seemed real."