The Morning Lily Withers

"Our final destination is Kinville, we will arrive at 8am"

I turned my notification off so my trip won't be bothered by the many calls my friends and parents will make asking where I'm going. I diverted my view to the rainy city outside the bus window. I will arrive at 8pm, then spend time finding a place to eat, find the flower shop, get on the bus way home at 12pm, and finally arrive home around 4pm. My parents will definitely punish me and I'll hear them yelling at me for 1 to 2 hours. It was stupid of me so I really can't blame them, I'll accept all consequences. They are still sleeping peacefully right now not knowing their son is embarking on a journey to a very far place that he has never been to before. I was still 17 so there's a high chance that this trip won't go well, crime is still a common thing especially to minors like me. I don't want to spend a long time there, just get that flower and leave. My eyes start to feel heavy, my brain can't really think about many things, but when I close my eyes she keeps showing. What are you even doing here? I need a break, you know, I promise I'll get that flower so please let me rest. I realize seeing her face no longer creates a comfortable feeling, now that feeling turns into haunting sorrow. The thought of why she does this or I'm not good enough will come and I can't fall asleep even though my eyes and brain can't handle being awake any longer. When I think about it, I haven't slept since knowing what happened to her, which means I haven't slept for almost two days. I think at this point you can say I have insomnia. It's really weird how I found out about her passing. I just woke up at 6am getting ready for school, then I opened my phone and saw that there's no school that day. They found a lifeless body in front of the school, someone must have jumped. I can't believe what I see, I can't ever imagine a student getting enough of their life and ending it, until I see the name of the student. I can't remember it clearly, at that time I couldn't process it, I didn't cry or even show any sign of sadness, just disbelief. Before that day, she's been gone for almost a month, no messages, no call, nothing. I keep looking for her and suddenly the news drops, I realize that I finally found her. It was blurry, really blurry, my head wasn't working properly, I just sat and looked at my reflection on the TV across from me. I can't even say I 'look' because my brain really shut down at that moment. I didn't realize it's already 3 hours. If it never happens then I'd be in school having breakfast with my friends. But it did, it really did. I'm terrified of checking my phone, I pray for the first time in my head that I saw it wrong, that the name wasn't Lily but Lisy or Didy or something else. My hand was shaking and I opened the messages, the name was indeed Lily.

After that I just sit in my bed, not showering, not eating, not sleeping. The next day I just put on my uniform and attended the eulogy. I finally came back again and finished processing what happened. After I got home I ate like I haven't eaten since the dawn of man. I shower cleaned every inch of my body, but I still can't sleep. Until now I still can't, two days of not sleeping can really damage your body. I can't think as clearly as yesterday, my body feels so weak, and I already use all my power to get on this bus, I can't even stand up. I just sit here and slowly rotting. Sometimes I realize that what happened is not really a big surprise to me, deep down, and I mean really deep down I have this feeling that she will finally break, I just refuse to see it. It's stupid of me, after all the things she says to me, after I see all the torment she's experiencing, I still walk away thinking that everything will be fine. My idiocy made me realize that she's having something that I can't even comprehend, I knew all of her pain but I don't understand it, then acting in my myopic lens. she is pure white lilies, but she's a broken one, a broken lily with most of the petals gone yet still beautiful. I failed to see the missing petals and finally the last one flew off. This guilt is slowly taking me inside a dark empty room, stabbing me and ripping my every limb. I realize that everything is really my fault, everything is because my ignorance, sorry can never be enough, I just made an unforgivable sin.

"Lily, please take me with you, I know we can't be together when you're in heaven and I'm in hell, but it's reassuring knowing I still can see you when I look up" I mutter myself

I pray and pray and pray, I'm no longer a christian or even believe in god but I pray, not to any specific gods, hell I don't even think I'm praying to a god at all, but I just closed my eyes, and prayed. I don't know what to pray about, I don't know why I'm praying to nobody, I don't know if it's because I'm losing my mind, but I felt more comfortable knowing that maybe, just maybe, someone will answer this prayer to nobody. After a long 10 minutes, that prayer was finally answered. I close my eyes and I see Lily, this time it's not a beautiful flowerlike, white skin, glamorizing eyes, and beautiful dark hair Lily, but just Lily. A pale skin, small eyes, dull hair, and broken body. Broken Lily that has many black stains around her petals, yet still as beautiful as always. This imperfect Lily no longer creates a haunting sorrow, it doesn't feel me with regret and guilt, and it doesn't make me drowning gasping for air. This Lily makes me feel comfortable, makes me calm, makes me think that she's still here beside me. On this empty seat she's here, putting her head on my shoulder, I can smell her father's alcohol and her breath fly through my ears like an asmr, dull yet soft hair touching my skin. I fall asleep

My fifth happiest moment is when we're at the carnival. I know for sure when I get back I'm going to get murdered, but It's okay because it's all worth it for these 6 hours with you. But you really don;t need to buy me a ticket, I can find a way to buy it myself you know. I can't really tell any specific reason on why this is my fifth happiest moment, but I can tell you it was so fun being there with you. Do you remember when you dropped your drinks in the haunted house? A ghost (I admit he was scary) scares you and makes you drop it, you were a scaredy cat sometimes haha. The staff already told you not to bring any food but you persist because you're 'thirsty'. Well now my favorite shirt of yours just got a coca cola stain on it. Oh yeah there was a mickey mouse mascot there, didn't mickey is under protection from copyright law? I'm curious how the court will be. My favorite moment is when we ride that ferris wheel, it's really cliche but just both of us in that place make me a little red. I try to hide it but I guess you found out, nevertheless we keep talking and talking and in just that little moment make a really precious memory. I can always talk to you for days nonstop and still find myself enjoying my time, there is something special about you, you know? -Lily