I am enough

Caleb's Pov

I never expected my life to explode the way it had,i always thought we were hiding it well but as my grandmother used to say everything done in the dark will come to light sooner or later.

And i wished i had remembered those words because i lost her and i know she'll never forgive me.

I hurt this women so bad and lost her...i really love her although my actions doesn't show it given what I've done.

We've been together so long and i sometimes felt trapped not that she trapped me but that's how i felt about marriage especially in the last three years maybe that's why i couldn't commit to fixing a date with Ava for our wedding.

I thought maybe i was getting cold feet....but then other times i would imagen Ava in her wedding dress,pregnant with our first child,running around the house with our kids and then the feeling would be gone again.

But i still couldn't help but think are we ready for this?and then the walls would come up again and my girl would take a step back and when she did i would feel a heavy amount of guilt for causing her such pain but its gone just as quick.

I never planned stepping out on Ava.it just kind of happened from there and it kept happening,i couldn't stop it because the guilt i would feel afterwards would be the thing that forced me to keep her at a decent amount of arms length,far enough push her away when needed but close enough to pull her back.

I never had feelings for Rose and i told her that, she said she was okay with it as long as we can continue seeing each other...and i had no problem with that because it kind of help me to forget about marriage at that
moment.

And let me tell you that wasn't a permanent solution because when i would come home look at my girl and man the guilt would grip my heart so tight that i would walk away from her when shes talking to me.i would ignore her completely and make excuses about being tired.

And she would understand always.

The night everything came out,i couldn't breath all i could think was i was losing her and there was nothing i could do to stop it...because i had done this.
The pain in her eyes were so raw,the way her voice cracked made my legs weak.. God i wanted to hold her so bad...but i cant... because its my fault shes in pain.

The way she laid into me and Rose,that punch she gave her told all of us that Ava is beyond betrayed and she will never forgive us,because Ava is not the kind of person to lay a hand on anybody.

I was waiting to be punched next...but what she did next sent a chill down my spine because her voice was dead and cold and never has my girl talked to me that way and it scared me to the point of chocking on my own spit.And i realized in that moment the reason she didn't slap on punched me because she deemed me not worthy to put a hand on me...and she's done with me.

I tried begging,pleading,crying for her to listen to me but she didn't have any sympathy for me and i deserved that.

And now I'm so lost in myself...she wont answer my texts or calls and she eventually blocked me after she got her stuff at the apartment and left the key with Theresa.

The guys were not saying anything because there was nothing to say.Steff was the only one who said something,she turned to Rose and said I hope you're happy now hurting someone else pretending to be a good friend...i hope sincerely someone does to you what you did to Ava...and bury that knife deep in you're ugly back...she spat at Rose,and Rose sit frozen nobody comfort her after it all came down.
Then she looked at me....I really didn't except you'd be that kind of man but what i know is you just lost the best thing that could've ever happend to you for someone like Rose...i hope your happy now she snapped..

My heart felt heavy as i watched Ava walk away from me out the door...and i knew ill never be the only one to hold her, make love to ever again..ill never see her smile or laugh at my silly jokes again or tease her when shes angry...God.. I fucked up!...i sank to my knees holding my head in my hands only now realizing the gravity of what I've done and just lost.