All That's Wrong With Us

The room was quiet.

Easter had left twenty minutes ago, mumbling something about groceries and a sudden craving for mango sticky rice. North barely noticed. His mind felt fogged over, like it had been dipped in a dream he couldn't quite remember, couldn't quite shake.

He was curled up on his bed, one sock half-off, legs tangled in the sheets. Phone in hand, screen dimming slightly as he let a compilation of animal fails autoplay in the background, cats knocking over plants, a dog sneezing itself off a couch. He huffed a quiet laugh, cheek pressed against the plush curve of Duckie, thumb absently stroking the worn fabric of its wing.

The arms he'd woken up in still lingered in his mind, like warmth pressing into him when he hadn't realized he was cold.

He hadn't meant to move in his sleep. Hadn't even remembered doing it, only the moment he woke, surrounded by the scent of aftershave, the heat of a chest, and Johan's expression frozen in stunned silence.

North had blinked up at him, bleary. And Phi looked wrecked. Flushed. Still. Like something had happened. Like something had cracked. But what?  He hugged Duckie tighter.

The notification buzz startled him.

Jia: Heard about the fight with Temp. You okay?

The name was a little punch in the gut. Not because it hurt, but because it didn't anymore. North stared at the message for a long moment, thumb hovering. He didn't know how to answer. Not really. He hadn't expected to hear from her. She was kind, sometimes too kind. And Temp, well. That mess wasn't her fault. But it wasn't his to fix, either.

Northee: Hey.

North began, then deleted it and typed once more.

Northee: Yeah, I'm...

Deleted again. He let the phone fall to the mattress with a sigh, gaze drifting up to the ceiling. Knuckles curled into Duckie's side. And then, out of nowhere, he saw it again, Johan's face from that time. The flush that crept up his neck. The way he looked up, silent. How still he'd been. 

"... Oh," North whispered, eyes widening just a little. Stomach doing a small twist when Duckie got squished tighter against torso. 

For some reason, handsome face, stiff and red, wouldn't leave his thoughts. Not even when the screen lit up again.

Jia: You don't have to reply. Just wanted to check in. 

Jia: Be kind to yourself, okay?

North didn't answer. Not yet. He stayed there, curled around a stuffed plushie, staring at the ceiling, wondering why his heartbeat had picked up, why the ghost of Johan's expression felt louder than anything else in the room. He should feel awkward. But he didn't. He just felt... warm. And kind of like he was falling into something he couldn't understand yet.

Something with dark eyes and a name he hadn't meant to say so softly in his dreams.

"Johan..."

North blinked like he'd just caught himself mid-thought. He shook his head quickly, face warming, scrunching nose as he buried deeper into the plushie.

"Nope," he mumbled to the ceiling. "Nope, stop. Stop thinking stupid things."

Duckie got an extra tight squeeze, like it might help squish the spiraling thoughts right out of him. He reached for the phone again, thumb hovering above the keyboard before closing the screen instead and flopping back with a dramatic sigh.

This was Easter's fault. All of it.

He was the one who kept making little comments. The one who'd nudge North with elbow and say "Your boyfriend's here" every time Johan showed up. The one who shamelessly added heart emojis next to Johan's name in North's phone when he thought he wasn't looking.