HAVING 13

MISSY
26th April 2005

I was shamefully knocking at Gibsie's door at 11pm.

I desperately needed his advice, because he was the only person who was on equal ground with me about this.

His mother opened the door, totally confused who I was and what I could possibly want.

"Hello?" She inquired.

"Uh, hi," I sniffled. "I'm so sorry to bother, but is Gerard in?"

"Yeah, he's up in his room," She told me. "What's wrong, pet? Why are you crying?"

"Uhm, can I talk to him?" I asked, feeling so ashamed to ask this from her. I was a total stranger.

"Uh, sure, come on in." She opened the door and then called for her son. "Gerard, there's a girl here asking about you!"

A few seconds later, Gibsie came down the stairs and paused when he saw what state I was in. "Missy-Miss?"

My mouth twisted downwards and my eyebrows furrowed, trying to hold back my tears. "Can we talk in private?"

He nodded and led me to the living room. "Ma, can you bring her some tea, please?"

His mother nodded and disappeared back into the kitchen.

"What's happened?"

"They know," I sobbed. "Shannon and Joey, they know."

"Well, fuck," Gibsie sighed. "And how did they react?"

"Shannon can only cry when she sees me and we haven't talked in days," I told him. "And Joey looked at me like I punched him."

Gibsie shook his head. "I'm here for you, Melissa."

"Thank you," I said. "It's just that..."

"Yeah?" He asked. "Go on."

"Everyone looks at me like I'm a monster."

"No, you're not," My friend convinced me. "They don't know what it feels like."

I wiped my tears with the palms of my hands. My mascara probably smudged all over my cheeks.

"They look at me like I'm tainted, or dirty. Like I'm disgusting," I cried. "I'm not disgusting!"

Gibsie's mother then came in with the tea and I looked at the floor.

"Alright?" She asked her son. He nodded.

After she left, I asked him something.

"Hey, Gibsie?" I got his attention.

"Yeah?"

"I'm the only person who knows, right?" I asked.

He nodded.

"I'm sorry that you have to help me break free while you're still trapped," I said, crying softly.

"It's okay. Some people prefer to stay in this prison."

"I'd like to—" I said. "But my pubic bone is broken. It won't be long before more people catch on."

He nodded, agreeing.

"When the time comes, Gibs, I'll be right here," I assured him, still sobbing.

"Thank you," He said. His hands were shaking.

"Thanks for listening," I told him gratefully. "It's just that you're the only person who could begin to understand this."

He nodded, agreeing with me.

"I feel so guilty about keeping it from Johnny, though," I expressed my worries. "He's been there for me through all this, but I'm scared that this situation will be the final drop in a full bucket."

"Don't fret," Gibsie reassured me. "When Johnny loves someone, he's not playing a game about it. You know this."

"Yeah, but there must be a limit, right?" I wondered. "Where is that limit? When do I cross the line?"

"First of all, you didn't choose for that to happen to you, so it wouldn't be you crossing the line." Gibsie shuffled in his seat.

"Yeah, sure, but there's a limit to everything," I stated.

"Hey, do you know what unconditional love is?" He asked me.

I teared up again. "Don't give me that shit."

"Just because you haven't acknowledged it, doesn't mean it isn't there," He said then. "Kav loves you, no matter what you throw at him. He's committed to you, Missy."

"Shut up," I sniffled.

"Maybe it's the first time you feel it, but he won't leave you. He cares about you."

"I've only ever known love that has limits. I know there's more than that feeling now, but I didn't know it for most my life," I explained. "If anything, Johnny was the one who introduced me to it. But I can't ruin our relationship with more of my baggage."

"You carried on when his shit hit the fan, didn't ya? When he collapsed during the game? You cried obnoxiously for hours." Gibsie stood up.

"This is different. He won't see me the same way ever again if he knows it," I said.

"Do you even know your boyfriend?" He laughed. "He loves you, he will go down every path you follow and you will always be the same Melissa with the raging eyes to him."

"Raging eyes—what?"

"When you came to defend Shannon after he hit her with a rugby ball," Gibsie reminded me. "Hey, you weren't planning on romancing him all along, were you?" He joked.

"I think I've loved him since I first saw him," I answered. "And I don't think I could ever stop."

So, of course I loved him, but he wouldn't understand.

No one would understand unless they'd felt it.

Your own family stealing away your innocence like that? It's ungraspable unless you've been there.

And I had. I was only just realising that. This did happen to me and I did survive it.

I did survive. I am here. I am really here.