Maybe We Should Go Back

Does anyone else, particularly those with a diagnosed anxiety disorder, get random... not "flashbacks" per se but more like flash visions of REALLY disturbing things happening during normal times/events/circumstances? I've only known one other person who has this issue. She's a runner and every time she runs she imagines herself falling and all her teeth getting knocked out on the concrete. Vivid visions. When she told me I was like, "That happens to you too? I have that! I call them Doom Visions!"

Most of my Doom Visions involve my kids. That's where my biggest fears live now that I'm a mother. Always some kind of situation where I'm unable to ensure their safety mentally or physically. I can't figure out if I'm Doom Visioning to try to get ahead of every possible scenario or if I actually think, on some level, that this stuff will really happen.

A lot of them involve driving. A car will be innocently driving in the lane next to me and I suddenly Doom Vision them jerking over into my lane outta nowhere and now I have to swerve but OH NO there's a car right there and I hit them at 80 mph and now the car is flipping and DOOM.

There's one Doom Vision that specifically bothers me, very much. So my work commute requires me to cross the St. John's River every day. Every time I drive across that long bridge I have this exact thought process: "something" will happen that will result in me crashing through the guardrail and plunging into that disgusting-ass, deep, murky, questionably warm, gater-infested water. And then, inevitably, my next thought: OhmyGod, what if my babies were with me? And I imagine this whole incredibly vivid scene. What will I do first? Okay first unbuckle my seatbelt and try to stay calm. The water is up to the engine now and the nose of my car is tipping forward. I jump into the back seat. Get Ethan out of the car seat first- he can swim a little. Get the baby out next. OhmyGod how do we get out? The windows reveal three inches of daylight above murky green water. Buttons to roll down won't work because of child locks in the backseat. I try the drivers side button but rushing water has caused it to short out. We're doomed! Then my thought process goes back to the beginning. Okay. The second you hit the water open one backseat window so you have an escape route. Now the car seats. The babies. By the time they're both unbuckled the water is rushing through the open window and the pressure is too much for us to go against it. We're doomed! And then I go back to the beginning again.

This daily mind game highly disturbs me, not only because of what it is but because I have never thought of a scenario where we all three make it out alive. I've gotten to the part where we make it out of the car, even, but then I think about how both kids can't really swim and how I'll be holding at least the 2-year-old and if I'm holding her up I only have one arm to swim with. That river is as big as a lake and can I drag us all to the other side without succumbing to exhaustion or my 5-year-old panicking and pulling me under?

This has to be some kind of anxiety-related trait, like intrusive thoughts, right? What the hell is wrong with me and why do I have these crazy thoughts?

Then again, I am under so much daily stress I wonder sometimes how I function in life at all. I've been wondering that more than usual lately. I don't remember Doom Visioning before I was an adult, and I'm thinking that's not a coincidence.

It's safe to say that my job is constantly or near-constantly stressful (not saying it's all bad or I don't like it, because I do, but it IS stressful and no one can deny that). I have a 45-minute-commute. I get home at 5:00 and take care of a toddler and 5-year-old after spending my whole day with 43 10-year-olds. And I'm mostly taking care of them by myself. Playtimes, dinners, baths, teeth brushings, stories. It's all on me to complete before bedtime at 7 pm.

After bedtime? That's collapse time. That's zone out time. That's binge-watch time. That's drink time. I'm basically at this point of complete and utter collapse by 7:01 pm every night of the week. And if I'm lucky I'll have energy to write or read my book or have sex or shower, but usually that's all a big NO. Naturally this is affecting my marriage, but he feels the same! And unlike me he actually hates his job. On Saturday night we had this great sex. Oh my god. And then I was like, "We used to have great sex like 3 times a week!" Now I'm just happy if I get some action at all!

And there's never enough money and groceries have actually tripled in price in 5 years and I'm making what I made in 2017 and it never gets better and nothing changes and now Trump is president and all the shit with Chinese imports and oh my god... how do I function on the daily? Like HOW?

What about you? Do you have Doom Visions too? Do you always feel like you're just one problem away from a mental hospital? Is it just me who feels like this can't possibly be what a normal life is supposed to feel like? Is this what it was like for our parents? It sure as hell didn't seem like it!

Question of the day: Am I weak, or has life become way too freaking much?