Miserable Me

i thought i was broken
ripped apart by her hands,
by the ghost of love that was never really mine.
but here i am,
drowning in silence,
when you show up with that stupid, unexpected smile.

you were never supposed to be this close,
never supposed to be the one to pick up my shattered pieces.
i wasn’t supposed to find comfort in you.
i wasn’t supposed to let your words wrap around me
like a blanket i didn’t ask for,
but needed anyway.

you told me things i never wanted to hear
that i wasn’t alone,
that the world wasn’t all bad,
that there was something worth holding onto.
and for the first time in what feels like forever,
i believed you.

but then, your eyes
your confession that caught me off guard,
like a warm wave crashing on cold shores.
you said you wanted me,
you wanted us.
and for a split second,
i thought maybe, maybe it wasn’t so crazy,
maybe it was what i needed.
maybe i could move on,
feel something again.

but then, your words hit me like a brick.
i froze.
because i don’t know how to love like that anymore.
i don’t know how to love him the way i loved her.
how do you love a man when you were so sure of a woman’s touch?
how do you say yes when your heart still wants her laugh
her voice,
her warmth that felt like home
but never stayed long enough?

i’ll take your comfort,
but i’ll never take what you offer,
because i’m still tangled up in her ghost,
still hearing her laugh in places i thought i’d left behind.
i thought i could move forward,
but every time i look at you,
i’m reminded of the pieces i’m still missing.
you aren’t her.
and i’m not sure i know how to love like this.

you’re a good man.
you’re everything a girl could want,
you make me feel seen when i thought no one could,
you make me feel safe,
but not the way she did.
not the way i could never explain,
not the way she made my heart beat faster
just by standing there.

i want to love you,
i want to give you everything you deserve.
but i can’t force my heart to beat in ways it doesn’t want to.
i can’t make it change when it’s still calling out for someone
who doesn’t answer.

so i’ll hold onto this friendship,
and pretend i’m not broken,
pretend i’m not torn between two lives
that will never fit together.
i’ll smile and nod,
act like i’ve got it all together,
while inside,
i’m still missing pieces i can’t find.
i’ll let you hold me,
but never the way you want to,
because i don’t know how to make this make sense,
and i don’t know how to tell you,
that you’re perfect,
but just not perfect for me.

R.