At The Edge(in progress)

Ch.34

Nobody noticed the signs. Me putting my head down, not talking as much, pushing myself away. I want to leave this world. But I can't. Not without Brandon. What if we went together? What if we ran away together, then jumped? What if I ended my book, as in my life book. Not this one. What if I skipped to the end. What if I ended it right here?

"Come on, don't leave me, it can't be that easy, babe. If you believe me I guess I'll get on a plane. Fly to your city excited to see your face. Hold me, console me and then I'll leave without a trace. I'd kinda like it if you'd call me. (It's not right) 'Cause I'm so over bein' lonely. (Make you mine) I need a virtual connection. (Take our time) Be my video obsession. Mh. Mh-mh. Mh-hm. Mh-mh. Estás tan dentro de mí. Te sigo pensando. Te sigo esperando. Y estás, oh. Tan lejos de mí, oh. Te sigo pensando. Me canso llorando." No One Noticed(Extended Spanish)–The Marías. That song is what this chapter is based off of.

And suddenly I'm back to showering watching blood trickle down my arms, feeling the sting of the hot water entering my cuts. I should tell Brandon. I need to tell Brandon that I was clean for two months then broke that on Monday night. I've also started punching myself.

Nope your too late i already died–wifiskeleton, i wanna be a jack-o-lantern. A new song I started listening to, it gives off a Alex G kinda feeling. The only letter that's supposed to be in caps is the N in the song name, the rest isn't. That's just how it is.

"No one tried to read my eyes. No one but you."

No one but you. So, thanks. I mean, you were the only one that tried to notice. And the only one that did really notice.

Should I tell him I relapsed? Or..would that just make him feel worse..he'll think it's his fault that I relapsed..but it's not his fault..I don't know why I relapsed. I just did..for no reason at all.

"I'm just so misunderstood" - Nope your too late i already died - wifiskeleton, i wanna be a jack-o-lantern.

I'm using Chatgpt right now to see a couple ideas for my book cover! I have one that I really like so I'm letting Chatgpt generate a picture for it, then I'll make a sketch somewhat like that and change what I want. I'm also processing the book into 抖阴社区 for a start! I can't wait for this to go public!

Oh yeah! I have a band concert today! I gotta be there by 7:40 PM! Uh...shoot. I looked around my entire house yesterday and couldn't find my band shirt..Uh.. I hope it's in Carver. I'm checking there first.

(Science) I walked over to his table. Carlos saw my arms, pointed out that I had fresh cuts, I put my arms behind me. And walked away. Carlos had his hand on his face. He looked disappointed. Then a bit after, Brandon started crying. My baby started crying. Was..it my fault? Does he think he isn't good enough? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. He noticed. I know he did. It isn't his fault. I made him cry. I fucking made him cry. Damn it Azalia. Why can't you just do better? Why couldn't you wear a sweater?..I'm a failure. I almost started crying as I sat there. Watching what I've done. Carlos motioned for me to come over and comfort him. I hesitated. Why did I hesitate? I was about to cry because I made the best boy on Earth cry. Why did I hesitate to comfort him? I got up, sat down on the floor, but my hand on his back, softly rubbing his back, I was still on the verge of tears. I rubbed his back, tracing circles with my thumb. Eventually, I moved my hand up to his hair, I started brushing my hands through his hair, his short, black hair, I looked at his eyes through his arms, between his head and his arm, there was a little space. I used that to see if what I had been doing was enough. Then Mrs Waltman came over to tell them to work. Carlos motioned for me to leave, I stayed for a couple seconds, looked at Brandon, to make sure he'll be alright, then left. I couldn't stop covering my arms and looking at him. Janae noticed my arms. She asked "Azalliah do you cut yourself!? Or do you have a cat..dog?" I said I had a cat. Christal sits at that table with Janae.

Wow. So I unexpectedly found out my dad smokes. Damn it. They're all the same. My mom wanted a guy who doesn't smoke. But here we are. 

Alright, everything is in 抖阴社区 now. I'm caught up.

It feels weird to actually have this in public now, not just in my small friend group. Honestly, I like it. I can't hope to have this popular, it'll find it's way, even if it's just my friends reading this, I still have some hope actually.

I have to copy and paste things from Google Docs into 抖阴社区. This'll be fun! Right? Yeah. Yeah! I'll enjoy this. I think. Okay, no more questioning myself. Only reality!

Yup, I'm still questioning reality, I think last chapter I was doing that? At the beginning I think.

Alright, I gotta shower now. I'll cya after my concert, book! And Kate as well of course.

Alright, good morning people! It's the morning after the concert, suuuper tired. I had a dream about going to Brandon's house. I guess I really am that excited to run away over the summer. His mom in my dream was really nice to be honest. I walked up to his room and it was tiny, it looked the same as it did on call but it was small. Like..really small. I know that it isn't that small. But either way, he noticed me walking in and wondered how and why I was here, I just said I wanted to see him because I missed him. Which is true literally 24/7. He said that he needed to clean his room so I helped him. I tried to give him a hopeful like sentence but it didn't make sense at all. It was something like "Even if your room is messy, I'll always love you." yeah I don't know. I make up things like that a lot. But they make sense. My brain noticed that and tried to make one while I was asleep but uh..that didn't really work out. We finished, I laid on his bed, an amber alert went off, probably for me running away. I pointed it out, he picked up his phone and just brushed it off, he laid down, and my dream ended. It felt so short but gosh..it was amazing.