I'll Never Be Little

Chapter 32

Didn't blame him because I probably wasn't going to do this ever again.

But, as I said, I let him. Nodding to give him the green light. He got into the jail cell and then positioned me on his lap. My eyes widened at the movement and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to tank this one.

Even though I would have much rather fed myself, I wasn't going to put a damper on his day. Not this time.

My resolve was starting to crack though.

I knew I wasn't slipping but with each Little thing I partook in, the more my headache worsened. I wanted to rub my temples, anything to alleviate the pain, but then Nathan would know and be worried. Thankfully, I was facing the same direction as him, so he couldn't see my face.

He brought the bottle to my lips, securing me on his lap with his other arm. I'd never been held like this before and I think I- no, I didn't.

Then the dreaded feeling came. The surpressants reached their limit.

I couldn't shock myself on his lap-he'll just confiscate the watch-so I had to figure out something else to push the feelings back.

Maybe this was a dumb idea.

The fuzziness grew stronger, starting to make my thoughts cloudy. Shoot, shoot, shoot. This was bad.

I started to panic. I couldn't drop. Not then. Not ever.

I tried to wiggle out of his hold, every fibre of my being screaming to stay put and accept the care and comfort, but I could never do that.

"What's wrong, muffin?"

Why did my headspace have to be so SMALL? I was struggling to stay afloat and it was like my body decided to say 'screw you' because I couldn't even get myself to move, no matter how much I was mentally screaming that I should.

I looked to the side and saw Nikki glaring daggers at me. The message was clear.

The icy look was enough to pull me out of the cloudy fluff my head was stuck in.

"Don't fight it." Nathan said softly. Nope, I was going to ignore him.

With one last push I was able to get myself to work and moved away from him, feeling my face heat up from embarrassment. That was a way too close call.

"Muffin, please. You should-"

"I should nothing. I don't want to drop and that's final," I said, feeling anger flare up in me for a split second before extinguishing, leaving only emptiness behind.

"Just for today?"

"We already had that 'just for today' last week. I'm done." With that I backed away from him and wrapped my arms around my legs.

"Can I just hold you then? I won't do anything else." I wasn't sure if I should allow him, but I didn't want to make him unhappy, so I guess, as long as I didn't drop, it wouldn't be the end of the world.

As I moved closer to him, I could see Nikki's cold stare, telling me to back up, but I just nodded, telling her that I knew what I was doing.

I did not know what I was doing.

Positioning myself in the same way as before, I just made myself comfortable so I'd just fall asleep as soon as possible.

He started to run his hand through my hair and, damn it. That felt good.

I closed my eyes, hoping that I'd fall asleep immediately, but I was still wide awake. It was like the world itself was trying to get me to drop.

It would be ridiculous to try and move away from him again, but I could already feel the fuzziness rushing back. What was I supposed to do?