It rained. Hard.
I sat on a chair under an umbrella and the sweet smell of rain was everywhere. You could hear every single drop of water hit the umbrella above me and I brought out my notebook, then laid it out on the table.
To everybody, I began. I have come to a realisation that among 7.3 billion people, it would be impossible or very unlikely to believe that I am the only person that feels the way I do. To feel like you're dying because of an on-going battle with your mind, it would be too good to be true that I'm the only one. To battle with your mind, it's maddening.
You build up all these walls around you, to protect you, and to have your own mind, the only accompany we have, to break those walls down and turn your world upside down, you have no other choice but to watch it all crumble down. You feel like you've been stabbed in the back, and you have no idea who's doing this to you or why. It's only later when you realise that you're doing this to yourself, and you have been for the longest time. You believe the things people say, you let them into your skin, it's your fault. Then you're heartbroken that you don't know how to stop.
Making yourself feel numb is like taking morphine. The pain is still there, but you just don't feel it for a long period of time before it comes back and it's worse than ever before.
I took the morphine instead of living through the pain. I'm now dealing with it's consequences. It's just that the longer you're on the morphine, the more you forget how to deal with the pain. The longer you ignore it, the more it snowballs and next thing you know, you're in an avalanche. I've held it in for so long that I don't know how to make myself feel better anymore.
I can't live with all this pain. I can't. I took way too much morphine that I got addicted and now I'm out of supplies.
All I could do now, I suppose is die.
I'm so numb that I don't know how to take care of myself. I'm so numb that I can't feel anything. I took too much morphine.
I used to believe in the quote "Aim for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars." Said by W. Clement Stone. The problem is what happens if your throw was weak? It wasn't strong enough to bring you out of the atmosphere. You'd fall back down, crashing and burning.
I didn't throw hard enough.
So I'm falling back down, burning everything around me.
All I wanted was to save people's lives. All I wanted was to look back on all this and tell my children that I got through it and that it was worth it. All I wanted was to look at everybody else who must've felt this way, and show them that they aren't alone. I wanted to show them that they're not alone, that there is, in fact, hope for people like us.
Just thinking about it now shows me how naïve I was.
I wasn't built to go through all this pain.
I'm human, not a machine.
I can't just keep going as if nothing happened, only for something to happen and make my situation worse.
Maybe some people could live through it. A lot of people must be stronger than I am. Maybe they could live through it.
I'm not one of them. I'm just me.
So, I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'm sorry for making this seem like it was such a big deal when people have it so much worse.
Every 13 or so minutes, one person takes their life in America.
