Slowly

I drive home, get inside, take a shower, pop two melatonin gummies, and recite one singular prayer. God forgive me. 

The next morning, I decide I'm gonna skip another day of school. I'm not ready to go back. Before I get up to tell my aunt, she knocks on my door "Veronica, you up yet? Get ready for school. Adam is going to take you." 

"I can't go, I feel so sick today" I say back. 

She opens the door and comes in standing at the doorway. 

"You need to go back today. You're not sick. Trust me, I'm a nurse." she smiles. 

"No really Annie, I feel so horrible today, like I'm gonna pass out." 

"Well, how about we cross that bridge when we get there. If you pass out, you come back home. If you don't, well that is one less absence at school." 

I sigh, I feel my eyes about to water. I take a deep breath. I know she won't let up on this. I can only hope I will pass out. 

"You said Adam is taking me?" I ask quietly

"Yes" 

"How would you know?" I ask looking at my phone, I have no messages or calls. 

"I have his number, remember you texted me from it. I saved it. He's been really helpful. He texts me once a day asking if you're okay and if you need anything. I'm pretty sure he likes you." she smiles. 

My stomach flips. 

"He is my friend." is all I can utter out. 

"Well, chop chop kiddo."

"Yeah" I say getting out of bed. 

I feel like a child waiting on my couch, all dressed and ready for school, lunchbox filled with plenty of nutrient dense foods, backpack heavy with all of the assignments I've had to make up. I wait here for Adam, like a child waits for their parent. 

My phone lights up and it is a text from Adam "Let's go Johnson" is all it reads. I take a deep breath and head outside. 

I open the passenger door and Adam looks over my way, he doesn't smile or act any different than he usually does, you know before everything happened. 

"Morning" he says

"Morning" I respond while getting in the car

"Nice lunchbox" he says while reversing out of my drive way. 

"Yeah, I'm malnourished remember." 

"Yeah I know" he says. 

I feel so awkward. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want anymore heavy conversations with him. I don't want anymore heavy conversations at all. 

It's quiet in the car, he raises the radio a bit. We sit in silence and it's everything but comfortable. 

When we get to the school parking lot he finally says "I told Nyx I'm not taking her to homecoming anymore." 

I look over at him "why would you do that?"

"I don't want to take her. I know how she feels about me now." my heart drops and I feel jealous. If only Nyx could feel something for me. 

"Well, what did she say? I thought you said you were going to take her anyway?"

"I never told you because of the whole hospital thing but Nyx came to see me like a day after everything. She said that she was in love with me and that she didn't care that I kissed you or that I had feelings for you. She just begged me to give her a chance. " I can tell he is uncomfortable telling me this. He puts the car in park and continues. 

"I told her that I couldn't do that, I don't want to. She got upset and said that you didn't like me and I don't know something about if only I knew the truth, which I could assume means something about you and Kyle." he looks over at me, almost like he is trying to see if that is true. I look down at my hands quickly. 

"Well yeah, she went off, said some really awful things about you if I'm being honest." 

I put my head in my hands, I can't take this. Adam reaches out his hand and puts it gently on my back. 

"What did she say? I wanna know" I say my voice quivering. 

"I don't want to repeat it" he says softly. 

I raise my voice, exasperation pouring out "just tell me!" 

He takes a deep breath. "She said that you are not a good person, that you have been lying to everyone including me and she kept saying I will never have a chance with you. She called you a slut and said that you're damaged beyond repair. No good for anyone." 

I start to cry quietly. I wipe my tears and say "she is right, I'm no good for anyone." 

"That's not true Johnson. She is just upset, don't listen to her. She will get over all this. I'm sorry I know this is all my fault. I promise you, if I could go back and not ask her out I would. None of this would have happened. I'm really really sorry." 

"You're not to blame" I say wiping my tears on the sleeves of my hoodie. 

"Fine, then no one is to blame. It's not your fault that Nyx liked me and never mentioned that to you. It's not my fault that I feel the way I do for you." "And" he adds hesitantly "it's not your fault you're in love with Kyle." 

I chuckle, "yeah, all are blameless." 

"Let's go, we are going to be late for class." he gets out of the car. 

I feel like I have fallen into a depression. I'm stuck in mud. I can't move. But, I do anyway.

****

I don't remember anything about my day. I went to the nurses office nearly every chance I got. The nurse kept telling me that my aunt wasn't going to let me leave school. I'm fine. At lunch I threw away the nutrient dense foods. I went into the library and hid behind the bookstacks near the bathrooms. I put my headphones in and played some music. I put my hoodie up and just let myself drift. 

I awoke to Mrs. Garrison, the librarian waking me up. "Sweety, lunch is over, you're late for class." 

I just nodded my head and walked towards the office. I got a late pass and then made my way up to my next class where I just put my head down. 

At the end of the day, before I could get to the busses, Adam stopped me. 

"Hey, I can take you home."  

"No, I'm okay" I said 

"You look sick, I'm driving you home." he grabbed my hand and it felt so nice. His hands are so warm whereas mine are always cold. I let him drag me towards the parking lot. I held onto his hand as he was walking quickly. Then I saw Nyx in the crowd. She looked over at me, holding Adam's hand and looked so angry. She shook her head and looked at me. I turned my head towards Adam. I didn't want to look at her. I didn't want to see her. I needed to get out of here. 

Adam and I get into the car. "So how was your lunch?"

"Good" I lie. 

"You look really pale, are you okay?"

"Mhmm" I hum. 

"Do you wanna come over my house?" he asks hesitantly 

I shake my head "no"

"I don't mean for anything you know- like that. I just mean to eat, I can make a good grilled cheese and we can do homework and I'll leave you alone. I would just like if you were near me. I'm worried about you." 

"Sure, can I take a nap at your place? I'm really tired."

"No problem."

We are quiet the whole ride. This time it is a comfortable silence.