The Toe-Rag and the Lily ? (COMPLETED)

Hi guys I'm back from holidays and it was awesome! I'm rly sorry this is another authors note, but I just had to do it because there's a few things I need to explain. So I'm feeling under a kind of pressure at the moment, due to worrying about things and school. Before I begin school is officially done for the year but this happened during the last week of the term and it's got me rly worried. So here goes nothing:

At my school, they do a program called Acceleration. This program allows students who find base subjects easy to skip an entire year and join a class of the year above them, to allow further knowledge and to ensure that they aren't finding their classes boring and non-challenging. So I was among those students this year, as I find English particularly easy, so I joined a class of people a whole year older than me, which was intimidating yet worth it. All right so skip forward to the end of this year, and suddenly I get home from school two mondays ago, and my mother is telling me that I am booked in for an interview with two of the teachers, one who is head of english and the other the coordinator of the acceleration program. And the interview went something along these lines:

"Do you know why we are conducting this interview, Cassie?"

"Well my mum said that it was to check how I'm going with my english and see how I'm going to tackle the challenge of Orals next year." ~ Orals are a big problem for me bcoz I have pretty much -1,000,000 confidence.

"That's part of the reason why, yes. So the other part is to see other options for english next year, and the first of those is to do year nine english again - which would mean going back into your year level. The other is to do year 10 english and to work rly hard and study for everything you do. Do you understand?"

I nodded. 

"So we want you to think about your options for next year whilst you are on holidays and decide, then tell us when you get back on awards night."

And that was a cut down version of said interview. So basically I'm feeling very upset bcoz I just feel like I've been shot down. This interview was brought about bcoz of the difficulty I seem to have when doing an oral and then my essay which only got an average of a C. I'm not an analytical person, so when I'm required to write essay under a time limit, I don't do as well as when I would write something creative. So what I took from this interview is that they don't think I'm good enough. And that is nearly the bottom line. When someone, anyone, tells me I'm not good enough in my favourite subject, shots are fired. I have been led to believe that I haven't done a good enough job for my acceleration, and I know for a fact I have done just as well, if not better, than the kids in my year nine class - and let's just reiterate that they are a whole year older than me. Also another thing that got me was when they said work rly hard and study for everything. I'm sorry but HOW ON EARTH DO YOU KNOW IF I'VE BEEN STUDYING OR NOT? I'm sorry I HAVE a life, and I'm sorry I actually studied for my essay, but I'm not sure if you've noticed but when I go home, you're NOT supposed to spy on me like bloody PRESIDENT SNOW! 

So what I'm trying to say is that I'm not exactly happy with my teachers who are supposed to support me, but they've also made me feel bad about myself and led me to believe that I let everyone down when I've done just as good as my year nine peers. And then on the last day of my holidays, my dad asked me if I was going to do year 10 and I said yes, I'm not doing year nine twice, and he had the nerve to say: I don't think you should do it. Bcoz of the fact that "you demonstrated twice to me yesterday that you run away from your fears."  And that hurt. (OMG I'm trying to type, but I can't see anything bcoz I'm too busy crying.) And do you want to know what those two things were? Not going near the edge of an unfenced mountain bcoz I'm scared of heights and when I had to go sleep in the tent with mum and my brother bcoz I was camping in a place I've never been. BOTH OF WHICH HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH FUCKING ENGLISH. I'm sorry I swore then but that was the only way to get my feelings across. So guess what I decided? I decided to do Year 10 english. Because I want to spite everyone who thinks I can't do it. I'm going to do extra study, and I'm going to do well, because I will not have people tell me I suck at my favourite subject. But then I discovered something, another reason my dad doesn't want me to do year 10. Because if I do it, I'll end up having to do year 10 twice. Now I'm sorry this rant has gone on for so long, but I need you guys to understand why I'm not going to post as much, because I need this. I need to do year 10 english, and I don't care if i have to do this twice, but there's more to it than that. 

When I went in for the interview last year, applying for acceleration, I had no idea that I was in fact a guinea pig. Acceleration for english students is different to maths students. Apparently when english accelerators get to year 11 and have to do their year 12 exam, they don't do as well as they would have liked. So instead of students finding themselves underachieving the teachers bring us back down and make us do year 10 english twice, instead making us do accelerated literature. And my other friend who does this program also, was furious when finding this out, as she is an analytical person, so literature is not for her. And when I went into this program I what intended to do was accelerate in english then in year 12, I didn't have to do english, so I could fill up my timetable with other subjects that allow me to get a higher ATAR score. I have effectively been an experiment. And that is hurtful. If I had of known this was going to happen, I would have not done acceleration at all. I have been led on and my education has been played with and this is not ok. 

I want these teachers to realise by doing this - acceleration and the interview - they have not only lowered my self esteem and how I feel about my skills, but they have led me on to believe that my education was perfect and they have infuriated not only myself - but my friends too, and if the other acceleration students happened to find out, they would be too. I am still dedicated to wattpad, but right now I need my education to be put right back in it's place, and the teachers too. 

I really am sorry for this big ass chapter, but I needed to get it out of my system, and I needed to tell you guys about it too, because you rely on me for chapters and lately I haven't been up to standard, so this is my explanation. C_hooper21 out!