struggling? phan (complete)

i was at home. the feeling of the empty house has gotten to me and i no longer feel as if i have a home. i was miserable. the good thing is i reached my goal of fasting for three days, resulting in all of the weight of the two days i spent in hospital to fall off. i don't plan on eating still, i don't see the need to really. all my food's gone anyways.

phil left me with no money and he was the only one bringing it in.

i didn't really mind though, i only drink the milk for coffee and tea, and eat the cereal occasionally.

phil was doing okay though. i see him around a lot, while i'm on my walks, i see him walking down the street with troye, holding hands and talking happily. i can't bare seeing them together like that. he always acts like i'm a complete stranger to him, it hurts. especially when i know he's happier with troye than with me.

i try not to focus on that.

on a better note, im happier with my body now, it's bony again, and i'm cold, just how i like. my legs aren't touching as much, and my collarbones are pleasing to run my fingers across.

troye is skinnier than me, and he's cuter too. he's funnier, and has more money than me, and his hair is soft enough for phil to touch and play with. it doesn't fall out like mine. troye is kinder, and less selfish. he's better dressed and he smells nice. his smile is adorable, and he has two dimples (a/n just pretend) and not one stupid one like i do.

there's just so many things that he has and i don't, it's not a mystery as to why phil loves him more. so would i.

i didn't realize i was crying, until i felt the warmness of the tears on my cold cheeks. i let my head rest in my hands for a while, until i heard the doorbell. i wiped the tears away on the back of my sleeve, and swung open the door. 

i was faced with the blue eyed boy who made me feel this way. seeing him caused so much more pain. his face was splattered with the memories i wanted to forget. he had the same blank expression as he always did, but he had sympathy hidden in his eyes, i could tell. 

"can i come in?" his voice barley audible.

"er, yeah but things are kind of messy, s-sorry" i stepped aside, letting him in.

he sat still on the couch for a good five minutes with his hands laid flat on both his legs. he looked stiff and uncomfortable, and it hurt to see that. i remember a point in time during our friendship where we were one hundred percent comfortable with each other and it was amazing and now its gone.

he finally spoke up. "i just missed seeing your face, dan. i miss seeing your eyes everyday and seeing your smile, and i know you don't want me here, and i'm sorry i'm being such an idiot but i just can't handle not being here and seeing you everyday. i miss our friendship."

"then why the hell did you leave me" my voice broke, i tried hard to hold back the tears but the lump in my throat was getting hard to contain. 

i looked over to him, expecting an answer, but instead i saw blue eyes pooling with tears. his bottom lip was in between his teeth. i've never seen him look so choked up before, and i wanted to lean over and hug him and tell him it was okay and forgive him but i couldn't bring myself to do it.

i can't see phil this upset though, it's not okay. i was the reason for him crying.

he stood up, and began to walk out the door, but i grabbed his arm, pulling him back. he was facing me, his eyes filled with tears.

i felt so empty when i saw him this way, it's like seeing a part of yourself breaking in front of you. he was maintaining eye contact with me, and his hand was now wrapped around mine.

our eyes were glued together, and the tension between us melted away. our faces were so close, i could feel his breath on my cheeks, i could feel every breath he took, and before i knew it, our lips were connected. i felt no connection with him, i knew it was meaningless. i knew he didn't love me, and it ruined the moment, but i couldn't bring myself to break apart. i've been waiting for this moment for years, and it was finally here. i finally knew what he tasted like, and it was pure bliss.

i thought this was supposed a perfect moment, i've been wanting this for so long. why am i not happy?

 maybe it was because phil was cheating on troye. with me. my heart sunk at this thought and once this thought had completely sunk in, i pulled away, shoving him back.

he stared back at me with a confused and hurt expression. i thought he would've realized what he was doing. it was completely wrong.

"phil, why did you do that y-your with troye"

he looked taken aback, the thought had just got to him.

"look what you did. your making me love you. stop it"

i never thought i would ever hear those words come out of his mouth, whether he meant it or not, it made my stomach flip and i couldn't help but feel a little bit happier with myself. i didn't respond, i just stood there. i wanted to tell him i loved him too but there was no point, he would go back to troye in the end.

he stared at me with hopeful eyes but they soon showed disappointment. he said nothing and walked out of the door, leaving me to stand alone, my thoughts jumbled. he just took all of my happiness away from me again at that moment. i couldn't think straight. i didn't know whether to be happy or ashamed. i just kissed the love of my life, but at the cost of his happiness.

i sat down on the couch, trying to collect myself. i let my head rest in my hands again and shut my eyes, i let the tears fall this time, i didn't stop them or hold back. i needed a release. i pulled my legs in close and began to hug them. and i cried. i cried to myself for hours. and no one was there to help me. i'm afraid no one will ever be.