Perfect Doesn't Last Forever

Perfect Doesn’t Last Forever- Chapter 15

            “How do I talk to Hayley without telling her that I left because I didn’t want her?” I ask Preston, getting nervous about my dinner with Hayley tomorrow.  Preston and I are resting comfortably in our cushy king sized bed, each with a glass of red wine in hand, and staring out through the glass walls at the dark ocean crashing into shore.  A few days have passed since I surprised Hayley and the rest of my family at Jessica’s birthday party and I had been talking to Damien to schedule a time to talk to Hayley since I saw her for the first time in fourteen years.  Preston and I already took the boys to a baseball game and to both of the piers in town, and they all enjoyed it.  We planned for a few more big plans, but we slowed our schedule down for now. 

            “Come on baby, we’ve already talked about this,” Preston sighed, taking a sip from his glass.  “You just don’t tell her that.  If she asks, just tell her you weren’t in a stable position in your life and you felt that being in her life would not be beneficial to her growth.”

            “God Pres, you are such a lawyer sometimes,” I laugh, playfully hitting his chest. 

            “Well I make a lot of money to dress up bad situations,” he shrugs, kissing the side of my head.  “There isn’t really any other way to protect her feelings.  Honestly, I’m surprised no one has convinced her to hate your guts.”

            “I am too, but I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have listened to you when you encouraged me to meet her.  I don’t think I’m ready for this just yet,” I confess, snuggling up against Preston more. 

            “You know, if all this happened before the twins, I wouldn’t have pushed you.  I knew you didn’t want to have kids, or even a family back then, but then you stepped up with Luke and Lyle when their mom was going through a hard time and then we had the twins and you changed.  You love our kids and I admire how much you’ve grown since we met all those years ago.  You are ready for tomorrow Brittany, don’t be nervous.”

            I sit silently in my husband’s arms and take a big gulp of wine.  I know that Preston is right, but as the wine burns down my throat, I still don’t feel any reassurance.  My stomach keeps flipping at the thought of my dinner with Hayley tomorrow night even though I exchanged some very brash emails with Damien to get this dinner with her.  The last time I was with Hayley alone, she was only two years old; she could only just barely communicate with me, and now she is a fully communicable young adult.

            “Just remember, she asked you to come here my darling.  She wants you to be in her life and you want to too,” Preston tells me, taking my wine glass and putting it on the nightstand beside him with his glass as well.  “She’s not going to tell you she hates you and walk out of the dinner.”

            That is the problem though: I don’t really know if I want to be in Hayley’s life.  Yes, I fought with Damien to plan this dinner, and yes I came down to my hometown, but I just didn’t want to disappoint Hayley.  Hayley is a young adult and disappointing her now would cause more damage than when I left her when she was still a baby.  My actions now have more impact on the people around me.  And on top of all of that, I didn’t want Preston to look at me differently.  When I told him about Hayley, I broke his heart.  I wasn’t the same person to him anymore and it took a lot of work to build back his trust in me, and an integral part of him beginning to trust me again is coming down to fix everything from my old life. 

            “You do want to be in her life right?” Preston asks me.

            I give him a pensive look and untangle myself from him.  “No more lies Preston.  You told me no more lies, so I’m not going to lie.”  He nods in acknowledgement and I continue, “Pres, I don’t know if I want to be in her life.  I left her and never looked back.  I signed her away and I never regretted it.  I never thought about going back to find her or anything.  I never thought this would happen in a million years.”