Stay with Me |Bwwm

              

Caleb

And the visiting team handed it to us.

"It was still a decent game," Dylan remarked, a towel draped around his neck. What a way to kick off the football season in early September. I wasn't thrilled. We lost to those awful, filthy Lizards. Their green hideousness was unbearable.

"True, it was. But it's too early to be losing to those jerks." Last year, we made the playoffs, managing to beat them twice in the regular season. Unfortunately, our successful run didn't last long after another mediocre team knocked us out.

"Calm down, man, you'll be alright." My teammates approached me to offer a supportive hug. We've got this. We had it all under control. I passed the football to one of my buddies and headed over to the shower area.

I squinted when I noticed a few girls in the locker room. Olivia was among them, giving me a flirtatious wink. The coach walked in and sent them off. Fantastic. That girl was like a pesky fly—you just couldn't shake her off easily.

I quickly got dressed and bolted out of there. It was time to catch up with Erica about something. She was the Black girl who had a crush on me. I wasn't looking to get too close; I just wanted to understand what she found appealing about me.

So, I drove over to her place. "What's the deal with that crush?" I asked as we sat on her porch discussing it. I wanted this to come to an end. She had been eyeing me differently all week. "You want my D, don't you?"

"No. I-"

"You need to stop. I have no attraction to you at all." Erica was dressed in black leggings and a sweater that suited her well. She had an impressive figure, though. I ran my hand down my face, waiting for the right response as I tried to silence my thoughts about her looks.

Her mother peeked through the crack in the door, smiling. "Erica, I had no idea you were having company." Her eyes widened. "Is that Caleb Foster?"

"Yes, mom. Go away." Her mother closed the door, complying with her strange daughter. I placed a hand on my hip and shook my head.

I yawned. "What do you want?"

"Are you a racist?"

I rubbed my eyes. This question seemed to weigh on me. "I'm not sure. I know I'm not drawn to your kind. That's all there is to it. Please don't take it personally, alright? I'm sorry." I placed my hand on her shoulder and stepped off the porch. You see, if I had any feelings for her, I would have taken things further right there on the porch. Since I didn't, this was the reality. If only...

I tried to push away that thought of being with a Black girl and headed straight to my car. During the drive, my somewhat twisted thoughts turned to the notion of skin color. The idea of my white body with a brown one was intriguing. I had never experienced it before, and it sparked my curiosity. Just a passing thought. That wasn't a fetish. I just wished to find a girl I genuinely liked and felt attracted to. If I did step outside my race for a time, could that love endure? I wanted it to be real. But it seemed impossible, especially with my mother in the picture.

Be careful about what you wish for Caleb, I told myself. Exercise extreme caution. Upon reaching home, my mind raced with crazy thoughts. I sat down at my computer, entered "Wild Ebony Girls," and reveled in what I found.

Out of the blue, my sister broke into my moment of pleasure by calling out to me. "Caleb, Mom put together a grocery list. You have to head to the store. She won't be back for a while." I quickly closed the webpage.

Angela handed me the list, and I shoved it into my jeans pocket. "Can I handle this tomorrow? I still have an essay to finish."

"Do it whenever." She turned and walked off, seeming unfazed by the grocery list. We didn't need it just yet. There was plenty of food in the kitchen. I went back to browsing videos of Black female porn stars online. Such a pity. Hypocrisy was truly a terrible thing. No one was aware. Just me. It was okay to indulge in vice now and then, as long as no one got hurt.

I began my English and social studies assignment following the fun activities. Earning an A was essential; my mom would not accept a B. As I mentioned earlier, that wasn't satisfactory for her. So, I spent most of my time buried in my books, determined to maintain my valedictorian standing. People frequently inquired about my secret. The pressure was what drove me to succeed. They surely wanted to know.

I had football practice often, a busy schedule with numerous games, enrolled in several AP classes, and still managed to find time for romance. On top of that, I was engaged in volunteer work. This was how my life unfolded.

I flipped through my planner, checking the dates. A medical checkup was coming up soon—tomorrow, to be precise—which meant I would miss two hours of school.

The silver lining was that I had no exams scheduled. That was fortunate for me. I was not someone who put things off. I tackled my most important tasks before the deadlines. This was simply how I had to operate.

•••

Two weeks later

"Caleb, your test results are in. Everything looks good—you're in excellent health. Keep it up," my doctor informed me.

I grinned. "I appreciate that. But I still need to be cautious, doc."

"Absolutely," she replied and then went on to warn me about illnesses that can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact. It was unnerving. At that moment, I realized I needed to abstain from sex for some time. Sure, condoms are effective, but they don't offer complete protection.

So, I decided to be celibate. When Dylan and Danny came over to hang out in my room, they were full of questions.

"I'm clean, so I'm all good. Plus, I'm taking a break from hooking up with girls for a while. I'm celibate, guys."

"Dude, I can't believe that," Dylan remarked. Of course, he'd say that; he was getting with more girls than me. Maybe he should take a look in the mirror. Danny burst out laughing.

"I'm serious. I think I can manage without sex for a bit. I've been doing it for a while now. My dick needs some time off."

"Are your balls sagging or something? You know, like drooping," Danny joked. I had to resist the urge to hit him.

"What?" I shot back.

Dylan echoed him, "What?" as he placed his phone down on the bed.

"Danny, what's that got to do with me? I don't have drooping balls. They're pretty good. A lot of girls have complimented me on them."

"Dude," Danny exclaimed. "That's way too much info, man."

Dylan chuckled. "That's Caleb for you. He never holds back on what he's thinking."

Danny sighed and shook his head. "Guys, can we please discuss something else?"

I laughed. "I'm starving. Let's order some takeout." And that's exactly what we did.