Tori and Ashley began dating as spring hovered on the edges around them. It wasn't a surprise, really. Alex was well aware that the two had been exchanging texts and phone calls more and more frequently and that they enjoyed each other's company a great deal. He could see it and he was happy for them. Ashley would blush when Tori would laugh, and her laugh was so pure, so true, that even Alex would pause a moment to listen.
Tori would join them at his parents house over spring break. They would have two weeks to lay around and do nothing and, while every other student at the school was holding their breath for the last day of classes, Alex was nervous. For him it would mean two weeks of no classes to keep him occupied, two weeks of not being able to hide in his dorm or in the crowd of a party. He would have to face his parents, his home, his room; all things that held memories that tried to surface in the night.
When he woke up crying out for Roman after watching his death in a nightmare he would be in his own bed, one that he had shared with Roman often and the space next to him would be empty. It would taunt him with the comforts he had found there and remind him that those comforts were gone. The small, perfect kingdom they had built over the years was destroyed by an empty space on a mattress and an empty place at the dinner table.
"What are you doing?" Ashley asked suspiciously when he walked into their room. Alex finished tying his shoe and glanced up.
"Just going out for a bit."
"Alex-"
"I just need to get out for a bit. I'll be back in like an hour."
"Do you want company? We could go grab some food," Ashley suggested. Alex shook his head.
"I'll be back soon, I promise."
Ashley sighed, scratching at his chin before he nodded. "I'll be here."
Alex felt a twinge of guilt in his gut as he shoved his way through a crowded living room. He had never promised to stay away from parties or alcohol, but Ashley was a good man- a good friend, and Alex could see his point, even if it was through a dark veil of uncaring. He rubbed his stomach with his free palm and he downed the contents of the cup passed to him in the kitchen and sighed heavily when the twinge ceased.
One of the things Alex learned rather quickly about college was that it was nothing like in the movies. The parties, while they could last well into the night, were far from the wild times portrayed, though there were plenty of opportunities for youthful mistakes. The beer was cheap and the pot had to be smoked in the basement or the backyard so it didn't stink up the furniture of the frat house or campus housing. There were always a few that stayed more sober than the rest to watch out for authority figures or for that one asshole that ended up breaking or stealing stuff. There was nothing glorious about the hookups. They happened in corners and, if they managed to make it back there in their stupors, dorm rooms where they would wake up alone the next morning. Some were more than happy to oblige by the rules of a one night stand, but it wasn't hard to tell which ones had hoped that their chosen lover of the night would have stayed.
He chose to keep to his own for the most part. It was hard to not hear Roman in the laughter and loud noise or see him in those rough housing and being carefree. Roman wanted him to mistakes, he had said it himself and feeling him in the air only pushed Alex harder to see it as a challenge. The fact that Roman had always hated Alex challenging him made it easier for Alex to chug down that extra drink or let a stranger grope him a little longer before he felt too sick to breathe in. He knew that these weren't the mistakes that Roman was talking about, but Roman wasn't there.
It was then that Alex could begin to fade into the nothingness around him. He knew that one extra drink would allow him to handle another, and then another. He could still feel it all, but he would be free for a short time, even if the cost was spending close to two days horrifically hungover. He could laugh, he could socialize, and he did. He played drinking games and talked shit with people he knew from classes. He laughed over drunken stupidity and he danced with whoever suggested it. This Alex was carefree and open. This Alex was a danger, but couldn't bring himself to care.
