Ambivalence [p.h.] - EDITING

chapter 8 || jax is brutal and could hand our butts to us any day

"I'll pass."  The boy pulled up his sleeve to reveal a set of inky black roman numerals. "I just got one and it's still healing.  Plus..." Eddie trailed off and darted his eyes towards Peter.

"What?  You already got one?" I snatched his wrist closer to me to take a better look. "I thought we were going to do that together!  I can't believe you went by yourself.  You–"

"I didn't go by myself," Eddie interrupted.  "I went with Myra." I recoiled away from him. Tattoos were our thing, and they had been ever since Rowan showed us the sparrow on his shoulder. He did our thing with Myra.

"Of course you did.  You do everything with her now, don't you?  I should have expected this, she's always there holding your hand and tagging along with you."

"We got a tattoo without you," Eddie shrugged. "They match."  My jaw dropped.  If I wasn't already riled up, I might have laughed. Matching tattoos with Myra.  Myra got a tattoo! And he didn't even tell me. I felt my face scrunch up. Out of the corner of my eye, Molly signalled to Peter to head to the doorway while she stayed back to collect me.

"Okay, that's got to be the dumbest idea you've ever had. You got a tattoo that matches with your girlfriend?  Eddie, what if you guys aren't even together by the end of initiation?  It'll just be–"

"That's not going to happen," he growled.  "Stop being such a prick, Jacqueline, I think those Candors are rubbing off on you."  My name — the full one — rolled off his poisonous tongue with so much fury, I could do nothing but sit back and nod.

"Jax," Molly called, the worry evident on her face.

"My bad," I spat. "I thought you were my best friend. Sorry for trying to look out for you."

I clenched my jaw and stood so gruffly our cups toppled over and the water leaked out.  Molly reached for me with outstretched arms, but I was thankful she understood when I cringed away from her. Instead, I wrapped my arms around myself and followed her towards where Peter was standing.

He hadn't mentioned anything about the encounter, though the final glare he cast in Eddie's direction I knew he had seen all of it.  Peter grazed his hand over the small of my back to usher me out into the corridor.  I forced myself not to look back at the table. 

"Let's take a detour," Molly suggested.

• • •

Unlike the first time we had visited him after the fights, Drew was conscious when we arrived at the infirmary.  Molly and Peter made sure to cheer him on for "putting up a fight" in the hopes that it would lift everyone's spirits. I tried my best to smile, but I couldn't manage anything nicer than a grimace. Drew exchanged looks with Peter as he sat up in his cot. 

"How're you feeling, big guy?"

"Spiffy, Molly, just spiffy.  What did I miss?"

"I fought so well, Eric made me spar him and — get this — I won!  He's actually just a couple of rooms over. Catch me in leadership once initiation is over."

"Peter, shut up."

"We're not in Candor anymore, Molly! Let me enjoy this." Molly shoved the boy away from her. I caught myself almost smiling as I shot my arms out to catch him before he fell.

"Don't listen to him, Drew. Peter won his fight no problem, but Jax was the real star. She's spectacular!  None of us would stand a chance against her.  Tris came out of it looking worse than you."

"Damn," Drew exclaimed. I felt obligated to return his fistbump.  "That's crazy, Jax. You know who I need to see fight?  Jax and E—"

"Yeah, yeah, Jax is brutal and could hand our butts to us any day.  Don't remind me."  The boys laughed.  "What we really came in was to see if you were up for tattoos."

"No, it was to make sure you were okay."

"Yeah, and then go get tattoos. What do you say?"

Before Drew could answer, the nurse came back into the room. "You can go now," she grinned.  She tucked a straw stand of greying blonde hair behind her ear.

"You heard her. I'm good to go."  We made sure to thank the nurse as we left.

"So.  What are you guys going to get?" Molly asked.

"Probably something on my arms.  I have something in mind," Peter declared.  Drew shrugged and mumbled something along the lines of "I'll decide when I get there."

Then everyone turns to me. "I've been planning this out for years," I croaked, my voice hoarse from not speaking. "You'll see."

• • •

The tattoo parlour was fairly vacant; there were two people sitting by the front desks and a few Dauntless members checking out various patterns and piercings.  We came up to a man with a kind face that was more ink than skin. 

"Hey kids.  I'm Bud.  You want tattoos?" He asked. We nodded.  "Do you have something in mind?"  Peter raised his hand and followed Bud into a room nearby with Drew in tow.

Molly nudged me forward to another woman behind the bar. "You go first."  The two of us sauntered up to her.

"Hi," I said, eyeing the streaks of green in her hair.  "I'm Jax. Are you a tattoo artist?"

"Yup," she nodded, popping her 'p'.  "I'm Tori.  You got any ideas?" 

"Right.  One second."  I rummaged through my pockets until I found two carefully folded sheets of paper.  Tori motioned for me to put them down on the counter so she could take a look.  "I want that one," I said, pointing to the larger piece of paper, "on my wrist, and the other on the side of my other arm."   Tori hummed.

Molly looked at them, and then at me. "Jax," she whispered. "Did you draw those yourself?"

"Mhmm.  Only two pieces of artwork that have ever turned out nicely for me."

"Well, these two are great," Tori interrupted.  "Come on in."  I pulled Molly with me into the room across from Peter.  Inside was a chair similar to the one from my Aptitude test and a lot of tattoo equipment.

"I'll do the smaller one first.  Give me your wrist," she said.  She placed a patch connected to a pedal and a machine on my extended arm.  "Make yourself comfortable." Pain coursed through my wrist, eliciting a small grunt.  Molly snickered. 

"Oh, bite me, Molly.  You're getting one too." Tori finished quicker than I had expected. The second tattoo hurt more than the other one, likely because it was bigger and needed more ink to look decent.  I swore under my breath and squeezed my eyes shut.

"Okay.  All done.  You want one too?" Tori asked Molly.  I elected to admire her handiwork while the two of them find a design she liked.  Even when they came back Molly gripped onto my hand for support, I couldn't draw my eyes away from my skin.

On my upper right arm was an array of delicate flames, each shooting up from my elbow until an inch below my shoulder.  They consumed my skin like a real fire.  I've always admired fire; it was something so warm, so innocent, yet so beautifully destructive.   I was even more enamoured with my left wrist. Tori had redrawn an anchor with a rope of thorns threaded through a loop at the top.  Five delicate roses were clung onto it, so small, but so realistic.  And just underneath, in thin black scrawl, the tattoo read:

"You cannot discover new oceans if you are unwilling to lose sight of the shore."

A/N

Helloooo children! 

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in forever but I kept rewriting the end until I was somewhat happy with it.  What do you think of Jax's tattoos?  She'll definitely get more later in the book, so if any of you have suggestions pleaaaaase comment them or dm me or whatever. 

Thanks for reading!

(P.S. since I haven't updated in a while, I figured I'd give you a double update today.)