'Simple thing' called Love

I broke it off because he cheated. Of course there was an argument but I guess I was too naive, because looking back. I was hella stupid. He ended the argument saying that we should start over as friends again, I replied with an 'ok' but sure enough that never happened. 

Aye, don't label him as the villain because I too played a nasty part. But y'all will never know that.

Let me give you a quick vision of our past.

Our relationship didn't even last a month. (I guess that's what happens when two teens meet online thinking they can handle a long distance relationship.) But to me, that was probably the best one month which stood out from the rest. God he was perfect. He was everything I looked for in a guy. He was talented, goal-oriented, he knew what he wanted for his future. But his voice. His voice was everything, so calming with a feminine touch to it. One slip in tone and I would be triggered. His voice made me feel secured, safe. It made me wonder how a guy could possibly have such a cute ass voice?! Sometimes, he'd do this cute baby voice and holy shit it would make me melt. His voice was rare, he was rare. He put such an effort in loving me, trying to get to know me better, cheering me up when I had a bad day. Hell, he'd even stay up all night, waiting for me to get home for a few minute call. He loved me so much, but me being a cold person; I shut him down. During one call he asked me why I liked him.. and I could've listed all the reasons why, but it just couldn't come out of my mouth. I felt .. embarrassed to say it, like ... if I said it I'd sound fake. I was scared he would judge the way I'd say it? (If that makes sense..) But the worst part is that I didn't want to be the one at fault so I turned the tables, blaming him.. for absolutely nothing. THAT, is what sucked. Me. Our calls were pretty lame, I guess we both didn't know how to start a conversation when one ended, it just didn't.. flow. Maybe it was because we were strangers who jumped into a relationship quickly, or the fact that we haven't met. But there would be awkward moments and silent pauses which we both acknowledged and knew was.. painfully contrary. I don't blame him for texting another girl now. Sure enough, things didn't work out, and he asked if we could try again, but as friends. He never texted after.

Yes, it sounds like I'm saying this in a casual way, but trust me. I was pissed about it. I waited for him to text. I waited, and waited and waited. But nothing. No text. I thought that if it was so easy to forget about him, why can't I? And so I did. I drank, went out, partied, did what any teenagers would do to get their minds off things. Hell, I even had flings, short time relationships because I taught myself that 'commitment' was shit. He made me wonder at night if it was my fault. I tried to understand, make up theories as to why it WAS my fault, thinking it would lessen the pain. But it didn't. It just made me feel more hurt. Wanting to cry more. I even blamed God. So I did things to help me forget about him. The thing I didn't understand was why him? How could a guy I met online make such a big impact on me? How did this fish leave a scar on my heart? Why? What made him different from all the other past relationships? A month relationship and he leaves a big ass impact. You might think I'm stupid, but honestly; I don't know what it was about him that hurt me so much. The thread that had me waiting, hoping he'd still just send a small text, was the fact he was still following me on IG. But from looking at his posts. He was happy. He found a girl and fuck. She is pretty. Talented. Slim. Fit. Flawless. They looked like the perfect couple. Not gonna lie I was low-key jelly. How could he have shrugged me off so easily? But then I realised it was no use. He wasn't gonna text back. So I continued on with life. Let the days flow past, slowly but surely. You might be wondering right now if there's that one person who was there through it with me all - and yes. There was. But shit happens and friends go. Close friends even. The people who you think won't, will. I got hurt. But that's life right?                  I then taught myself that there was no such thing as 'love' anymore. Love was just a game, which I got pretty good at. Then, at the end of August. A text appeared.