ME: Lost

Kaidan's heart pounded as he shrugged into a long sleeved undershirt.

Writing letters back and forth had seemed such a reasonable way of communicating. He wasn't prepared for a face to face conversation, not after the messages he'd read and the flashbacks he'd seen recently. They'd had a relationship, he knew that now. He even knew intimate details of their time together, but he couldn't remember them. How do you even have that conversation?

The dream he'd had the night before flashed into his brain:

"Seriously, Lt.?" Ashley snorts in amusement, "put your tongue back in your mouth."
He squints his eyes in feigned confusion. "I don't know what you're talking about, Williams, and if you're smart - no one else will either."
She laughs, kicking the workbench he's sitting at. "You can't even make a proper threat! How'd you ever make it this far in life?"
"I'm pretty, what else?"
She dips her head in exaggerated defeat, "touché."
"It's not really that obvious, right?"
"What's obvious?" Ashley's eyes widen in innocence, "I thought you didn't know what I was talking about?"
"Williams..."
"Ok, look...you're sweet, Alenko, seriously a nice person. I'd have my ass handed to me if I teased anyone else like I do you. But yeah, it's really obvious. Maybe you've never had a crush before, cuz I've seen teenagers with a better poker face."
He groans, face suddenly hot. "Well, I'm going to go find an airlock to eject myself from."
"A sentiment worthy of Shakespeare himself, but I wouldn't worry about it. The commander doesn't seem to mind having a puppy-dog follow her around." She deftly catches the mesh glove he tosses at her head, "just tone it down a little around the crew, yeah?"

Kaidan had read about the gunnery chief's death on Virmire. Thinking of her didn't bring the sorrow that it should, and that in itself grieved him, because the few memories he'd gained revealed she'd been a good friend. He selfishly wished she still lived, that she could discuss these memories with him; confirm what was true and shed some light on his relationship with the commander. So far the only person he could ask was Shepard herself, a terrifying proposition if he'd ever heard one.

Perhaps he was overthinking this? She obviously still felt something for him, her tone of voice and hand on his arm betrayed that; but the most glaring question, one he didn't want to explore, was how did HE feel? Everything he knew about Shepard filled him with the utmost respect. An impressive soldier, inspiring leader, and a beautiful woman. A deeper admiration on his part wasn't too unbelievable. He even remembered something closer to affection, but what did it all mean? Could he truly love a woman based on scattered memories and the understanding that he was supposed to?

Was any of this even relevant anymore?

Their paths had completely diverged. She was on a long diplomatic mission, brokering cooperation between races. He'd accepted a position on the citadel, coordinating with C-SEC to bolster security against future threats. If he allowed himself to fall back into a relationship with this woman, would they even have time for it?

Yeah...he was definitely overthinking this.

<><><>

"So a SPECTRE, huh?"

The orange glow from Shepard's omni-tool and the bluish backlight from the fish tank merged to reflect odd shadows on the wall.

"It's weird," Kaidan shrugged, "it doesn't feel like the honor everyone makes it out to be. I just report to a different set of people now."

"At least you're not the first, that was a whole level of fame I could've done without."

"I bet."

They both fell silent.

Bubbles erupted from a corner of the tank behind her, and faint shadows mimicked their progression up the wall. Shepard's fingers tapped an anxious beat on the side of her chair.

"So...." Kaidan started, reaching up to the rub the back of his neck.

"So...." She replied.

He grinned, his face relaxing into a familiar easy expression, "so, this is even more awkward than I expected."

Shepard sighed in relief, words tumbling out, "I don't even know what to say, Kaidan. We have so much history. Things weren't that great between us before you ended up in the hospital, and now-"

She paused, unsure if she'd said too much.

He nodded slowly, "I gathered that. The last few letters we wrote were very...tense."

"That's an understatement."

Kaidan shook his head ruefully, "reading the last message I sent you was embarrassing. I said some very harsh things, commander, and I sincerely apologize."

"Don't call me commander," Shepard fiddled with a loose thread on her sleeve, "everyone else does, but you haven't addressed me formally in years. It sounds so foreign."

He didn't reply, and after a minute she forced her gaze up. His expression was guarded, impossible to read. "I need to know exactly what we're dealing with here." His words, devoid of emotion, were chosen carefully. "I have some memories of us, but I don't want to assume a deeper relationship than existed. Ignoring regulations is not something I've ever taken lightly, but it seems that in this situation I did. In addition to that complex problem, it seems we lost each other's trust along the way, and that needs to be resolved. And I-"

His mouth quirked into an embarrassed grimace, "why are you smiling?"

Shepard pressed her lips together, biting back the chuckle threatening to escape. A heavy weight lifted from her shoulders and she leaned back in the chair, propping both feet up on the desk. "I think you summed up the situation perfectly, major, I guess we do have a lot to talk about." Unable to contain her relief, she grinned broadly, "why don't you start. Tell me about these memories you've regained."